Michael Jackson Took Drugs—and Other Deeply Surprising Factoids

Well, dear reader, it’s certainly true that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been a bit silent of late. In fact, it has been, as our ancestors used to say, many moons since last we graced you with one of our glorious animadversions. Regular reader(s) of our fine musings must have been quite depressed.

But no longer. No, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have officially broken our long e-silence to comment on recent matters of great historical import.

No, we don’t mean to dilate on President Obama’s Hand-Wringing Apology Tour. Sure, our current Spendthrift-in-Chief is doing his level-best to support various odious regimes worldwide, but we don’t want to mention that right now. Nor, we should add, do we aim to discuss the nomination of an ever-redundant wise Latina woman to the hallowed Supreme Court. And frankly, as a passel of white men with similar experiences, our opinion on Ms. Sotomayor is pretty much moot. Let us just say that Ms. Sotomayor’s nomination has made us think twice about careers in firefighting in New Haven, CT.

Instead, dear reader, we have departed from our long-term silence to pontificate about the recent and unfortunate demise of the so-called King of Pop, Michael Jackson. We know, we know: We must be the only ones discussing it.

Let us say from the start that we never particularly fancied Mr. Jackson’s music. We don’t mean to be downers, but we’ve always preferred the vocal work of Tuvan throat singers. And Rosanne Barr. To each his own.

Still, we hope that Mr. Jackson rests in peace. He obviously made millions upon millions of people happy, and that is no mean accomplishment.

The same, however, cannot be said of the incessant media coverage that has accompanied Mr. Jackson’s premature demise. Every Tom, Dick, and Al Sharpton has been on the airwaves of late, offering his un-pearls of un-wisdom on the death of Mr. Jackson.

Along with this, of course, has come endless prattle about oddities associated with Mr. Jackson that everyone already knew. You say that Mr. Jackson was accused of child molestation? Wow: We had no idea! You tell us that Mr. Jackson endured frequent bouts of plastic surgery? Gee, whiz: Why hadn’t anyone told us about that before?

Perhaps the most annoying theme in the wall-to-wall coverage is the shock—shock, mind you—accompanying revelations that Mr. Jackson may have taken various drugs that hastened, if not caused, his death. For some reason, our television gasbags have touted this as an earth-shattering revelation.

Michael Jackson was surrounded by yes-men who would happily obtain illegal substances for him? Well, color us startled. Next you’ll tell us that Robert Downey Jr. has a bit of a drug problem himself.

Posted at 12:01 AM

Israel, Hamas, and the Typical Useless Idiots

Cue the mindless pseudo-humanitarians: The loveable scamps who collectively go by the name Hamas have finally gotten the Israeli government’s dander up and, as every sentient being well knows, are currently experiencing the slings and arrows of outrageous self-defense. As it turns out, those stingy residents of the “Zionist entity” don’t take too kindly to thousands of rockets launched at their civilians. Who would have thunk it?

Not, as it turns out, the typical cavalcade of useless idiots currently nattering on about Israeli “atrocities.” Yes, yes: Any time the Israelis take the trouble to defend themselves, and the familiar lunatics begin upbraiding them. As such, we’d wager that your daily paper currently features a few dimwitted missives to the editor chastising the Jewish state for its machinations and lamenting that—horror of horrors—the United States offers military assistance to beleaguered Israel. (For some reason, they’re none too worried about the cash Uncle Sam sends to, say, Egypt. Yep: That Mubarak fellow is a tried-and-true pro-American democrat.)

Normally, the anti-Israel ravings that besmirch your local daily are held by a moronic suburbanite who knows next-to-nothing about foreign policy. Their authors are the sorts of people who claim to despise war, though they more accurately contemn Western governments’ reactions to terrorist provocations. Hamas can attempt to kill and maim Israelis en masse, but, to these knuckle-dragging buffoons, war doesn’t start until the Jewish state responds. Palestinian rockets, we suppose, are filled with gumdrops and happiness.

Why is it that America seems to be chock-a-block with nitwits of the “Can’t We Just Fail to Respond to Violence and Call it Peace” school of political sanctimony? Some would argue that it’s because our nation’s newspapers simply drip with these sorts of sentiments. But we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” know better: Most Americans are well nigh functionally illiterate, so we doubt that armies of idiots are taking their cues from Maureen Dowd.

As if these sorts of anti-Israel choruses weren’t suitably obtuse, we must often watch them reach untold zeniths of ridiculousness with each passing day. Our current favorite appears on less respectable “websites”: Far-left outfits and professors’ “weblogs,” for instance. We’re sure you’ve seen it: The dubious link of any Israeli response to Nazi atrocities.

Ah, yes, that’s the ticket. Israel is just like Nazi Germany! Yes, yes: We’ve never seen a more apt historical analogy in our young lives. Thus the “genocide” of the Palestinians is occurring at such a break-neck pace that the Arabs hope soon to be able to dismantle the Jewish state by demographics alone. That’s when you know you’ve got a successful “genocide” brewing: When the victims of said atrocities are vastly out-breeding you.

Posted at 12:01 AM

You Got Some ‘Splainin’ To Do

For those of you unaware of recent international events (read: Americans), we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” must inform you that a horrible group of terrorist attacks just took place in Mumbai, India. As of this writing, over 100 people have been killed by jihad-inspired militants.

If you’re anything like us, dear reader, you’re probably thinking: Who would ever think that Muslims would carry out such atrocities? We know, we know—sometimes really strange things happen on God’s green (and increasingly warming) earth. As it turns out, some Muslims are a bit angry. Enraged, you might say. That’s news to us.

But before we start pointing fingers at a few nasty practitioners of the Religion of Peace, let us give thanks for one thing—Saint Barack will soon inhabit the White House. Oh, huzzah, huzzah: Soon all shall be well.

We mean, come on: Someone has to give these Indian jihadis a talking-to. Like Lucille Ball, they’ve sure got some ‘splainin’ to do.

Thankfully, these here United States of America will soon have as its leader a man thoroughly willing to talk to anyone without preconditions. And that includes, we hope, a handful of nasty jihadist dead-enders, if any of these brutes survive the aftermath of the attacks.

Wouldn’t you just love to be a fly on the wall when President Obama finishes his conversation with these misguided folks? Boy, they’ll feel awfully foolish, won’t they?

We can just see it now: A miserable pack of miserable Pakistani Islamists muttering to themselves: “What were we thinking? President Obama was totally correct: Terrorism is never going to bring us closer together.”

If we’re lucky, dear reader, Saint Obama (D-Mainstream Media) will cut short his colloquy with Raul Castro to have a heart-to-heart with these odious militants. There’s nothing the fancy-talking B. H. Obama can’t accomplish. And, we should add, he’s downright sexy too.

By the time he’s done with them, they’ll fully recognize the errors of their ways, and they’ll soon be donating money to gay marriage proponents worldwide.

Posted at 12:01 AM

The Return of the Golden Age

Since last we wrote in this space, dear reader, a fellow by the name of Barack H. Obama (D-Hope and Change) won the election for the next president of these here United States. And we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” couldn’t be any happier. Like various level-headed folks around this great country of ours, we’re simply euphoric. Our collective voice is still hoarse from our stentorian cheering.

We mean, come on: We’ve barely survived the Fascist Police State known as the Bush Administration, and now we find out that we shall spend the next four years under the august stewardship of the august Sen. Obama. Oh, joy of joys!

Finally, America will be a complete paragon of virtue. No longer will it be sullied by the odious Bushies and their disgraceful associates. You know: Tony Reszko, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, William Ayers—those kind of folks.

Nope, as our Obama supporting pals correctly note, soon all will be perfect in the United States. He’s not even spent a minute in office, and already we feel like handing Barack Obama a Nobel Peace Prize. Or perhaps an award with a less dubious history.

Yes, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can’t wait until the Anointed One officially assumes the presidency and quickly solves all the world’s problems. For this bright, articulate, sexy man, it should prove particularly easy to lead us to utopia. Yes, he can.

It’s so obvious: Barack H. Obama will fix everything, from our current financial woes to athletes’ foot. Not for nothing does this delightful president-in-waiting possess the same middle initial as Jesus H. Christ. He’s just that good.

Given the unsurpassable goodness of Barack Obama, the only reasonable concerns about his upcoming administration run something like this: Which horrendously vexing crisis will President Obama first solve? What nasty disease will he first cure? What intractable conflict will he first end?

Our guess: Within the first three seconds of his term, President Obama will cure both AIDS and cancer. The former will be a snap, since, as Mr. Obama’s longtime pastor and spiritual mentor has reasonably assured us, HIV is just some nasty white conspiracy anyway.

Next Saint Barack will turn to the simple matter of Middle East peace, which we’d reckon he’ll solve within his first few days at the helm. After all, once he shuns the nefarious Jewish Lobby and turns his ears toward calmer heads, such as that of Rashid Khalidi, peace will be upon us faster than you can say Edward Said.

The hasty conclusion to that trifling matter will free up time for President Obama to end global hunger. Which, for a man of his talents, should take our new Genius-in-Chief about three minutes.

And Sen. Obama will do all these things, dear reader, without ever stooping to wire-tapping, waffling, or any other Bush-era evils. Nope: Now that we’ve elected a completely perfect specimen of humanity, we can just sit back and wait for the golden age to return.

In the meantime, perhaps someone could start carving Sen. Obama’s likeness onto Mt. Rushmore? You know, next to Lincoln, or one of the other comparative presidential flops whose lily-white faces adorn that monument.

Posted at 12:01 AM

Shocking Announcement: Prominent Black To Endorse Prominent Black for President

Well, color us surprised. It has, dear reader, been quite a campaign season, chock-a-block with all sorts of unexpected twists and turns.

For instance, Mike Gravel (D-Insane Asylum) didn’t win his party’s nomination. Neither, alas, did Dennis Kucinich (D-Vegan), whose elfin good looks virtually assured him an impressive victory.

And now, as if these previous eventualities were insufficiently amazing, we hear word that Gen. Colon Powell (ret.) may endorse Barack Obama for president of these here United States.

Oh, we simply can’t wait until Gen. Powell shows up on “Meet the Press” with Tim Russert manqué. We’ll say it again: Color us surprised.

We mean, come on: How much bigger a news story can you get? This is Colin Powell, for crying out loud. Not John Kerry, Howard Dean, or some other manifest failure.

It’s not as if we’re talking about some fellow who, despite his affiliation with the Republican Party, has a history of conflict and disagreement with the Bush administration, which he left in a huff. As we all know, Gen. Powell was a big believer in the liberation of Iraq, who had nary a qualm with the removal of Saddam Hussein.

Geeze: No wonder MSNBC has taken a break from broadcasting one of its sundry infomercials for Barack Obama to whip up excitement for Gen. Powell’s guest spot tomorrow. Surely it’s just a coincidence that the former Secretary of State will deliver his pro-Obama hosannas on MSNBC’s parent network.

Boy, oh, boy—this is sure going to sink the McCain campaign. We’d like to think that Sen. Obama is already picking out drapes for the oval office. And hopefully Sen. Biden has begun to track down the closest 7-11 to the White House, so that he can order some Indian food for his long days on the job.

After all, if this ain’t a nail in the coffin, what is? Colin Powell is poised to endorse Barack Obama. And, try as we might, we can’t think of any reason why Gen. Powell, a prominent supporter of affirmative action, would do such a thing. Absolutely nothing comes to mind.

Posted at 12:01 AM

Impressive Political Acumen from The Huffy Po

Like everyone else on God’s green earth, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were surprised that Sen. McCain chose Sarah Palin, the Republican governor of Alaska, as his vice-presidential running mate. We say this, dear reader, because Gov. Palin doesn’t have much political experience.

Still, we are willing to give Gov. Palin a chance, if only to anger our Democratic friends, who have already whipped themselves up into a Dan Quayle lather. At something called CNN.com, for instance, a scarecrow named Paul Begala (is “Begala” Old Norse for “Quick, Give Me a Paper Bag”?) has pronounced John McCain insane: How could he put such an inexperienced hack a heartbeat away from the presidency?

To which the proper response is: Uh, Mr. Begala, you want the inexperienced Barack Obama to be no heartbeats away from the presidency, though he has spent a few measly and generally unproductive years in the Senate. If you’ll pardon the reference under the circumstances, have you ever seen a pot call a kettle black?

But Mr. Begala’s pseudo-journalistic Democratic boosterism isn’t the only example of hasty, pathetic left-wing attacks on the comparatively unknown Gov. Palin. For a treasure trove of cant, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” headed to—where else?—the ole’ Huffington Post, Arianna Huffington’s e-orgy of self-puffery.

Ah, and what enlightenment we found! Some obstreperous hack called Greg Mitchell fumed that Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R-Texas)…doesn’t know much about Gov. Palin! Oh, boy! Oh, dear!

We don’t know about you, dear reader, but we simply can’t vote for someone for public office if she doesn’t pass the Kay Bailey Hutchinson Recognition Test. If Sen. Hutchinson doesn’t know her, she’s simply out of bounds.

And we’re sure that the gorgeous Mr. Mitchell feels the same way. After all, he wouldn’t stoop to mentioning Sen. Hutchinson’s unfamiliarity with Gov. Palin merely to score a cheap political point, would he?

Naw: As a Huffy Po regular, he must wait Sen. Hutchinson’s political announcements with eager expectation. And vote accordingly.

Otherwise, he’s just a grandstanding boob.

Posted at 12:01 AM