August 30, 2008

Impressive Political Acumen from The Huffy Po

Like everyone else on God’s green earth, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were surprised that Sen. McCain chose Sarah Palin, the Republican governor of Alaska, as his vice-presidential running mate. We say this, dear reader, because Gov. Palin doesn’t have much political experience.

Still, we are willing to give Gov. Palin a chance, if only to anger our Democratic friends, who have already whipped themselves up into a Dan Quayle lather. At something called, for instance, a scarecrow named Paul Begala (is “Begala” Old Norse for “Quick, Give Me a Paper Bag”?) has pronounced John McCain insane: How could he put such an inexperienced hack a heartbeat away from the presidency?

To which the proper response is: Uh, Mr. Begala, you want the inexperienced Barack Obama to be no heartbeats away from the presidency, though he has spent a few measly and generally unproductive years in the Senate. If you’ll pardon the reference under the circumstances, have you ever seen a pot call a kettle black?

But Mr. Begala’s pseudo-journalistic Democratic boosterism isn’t the only example of hasty, pathetic left-wing attacks on the comparatively unknown Gov. Palin. For a treasure trove of cant, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” headed to—where else?—the ole’ Huffington Post, Arianna Huffington’s e-orgy of self-puffery.

Ah, and what enlightenment we found! Some obstreperous hack called Greg Mitchell fumed that Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R-Texas)…doesn’t know much about Gov. Palin! Oh, boy! Oh, dear!

We don’t know about you, dear reader, but we simply can’t vote for someone for public office if she doesn’t pass the Kay Bailey Hutchinson Recognition Test. If Sen. Hutchinson doesn’t know her, she’s simply out of bounds.

And we’re sure that the gorgeous Mr. Mitchell feels the same way. After all, he wouldn’t stoop to mentioning Sen. Hutchinson’s unfamiliarity with Gov. Palin merely to score a cheap political point, would he?

Naw: As a Huffy Po regular, he must wait Sen. Hutchinson’s political announcements with eager expectation. And vote accordingly.

Otherwise, he’s just a grandstanding boob.

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August 16, 2008

Crying Wolf, Crying Racism—The Obama Campaign’s Un-Official Guide

Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic contender for president of these here United States of America, is—as he never tires of telling us—a post-racial candidate. Yes, Sen. Obama (D-Bromides), though a man of mixed racial origins, hopes to transcend race in his campaign for this land’s highest office.

And what, you may reasonably ask, makes up Sen. Obama’s post-racial politics? Why, crying racism at every turn, it appears. Ah: How very novel. What a nice change from the divisive rhetoric of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, who…cry racism at every turn.

We noted this, dear reader, as a result of Sen. Obama’s erstwhile remarks regarding the physical dissimilarities between himself and the US presidents whose faces adorn American paper currency. Yes, yes, yes: Sen. Obama doesn’t resemble George Washington in the least, and the evil Republicans will surely make the most of that factoid.

We don’t know about you, but the mere thought of Sen. Obama’s dramatic un-resemblance to Abraham Lincoln positively compels us to shudder. Thank God John McCain looks exactly like President Lincoln.

As dubious as all this is, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have detected even more “post-partisan” race-baiting from our Obama-supporting pals. One friend—whom we won’t name, but merely call “Ted Santos”—informed us that the Republicans’ harping on Sen. Obama’s ambitiousness positively reeks of white disdain for uppity blacks.

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Uh, come again? What? Since when did lame cries of racism not even make rudimentary sense?

It seems clear to us, then, that Sen. Obama’s supporters—along with the Senator himself—hope to guard the Democratic nominee from all criticisms by labeling each and every critique an insidious racist plot. After all, it worked with Hillary; why shouldn’t it work again?

A problem remains, however. How, dear reader, can one twist all criticism of Barack Obama into racist skullduggery?

Oh, but that’s where we come in. The Official Crying Wolf Department here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has come up with a few rudimentary racially charged answers to potential McCain retorts. If you support Barack Obama’s “post-partisan” race-baiting, you’re going to want to memorize these responses.

The Obama-Supporter’s Guide to Post-Partisan Race-Baiting

1) Criticism: Barack Obama was wrong about the US troop “surge” in Iraq. Even now, he claims to oppose the “surge,” though he also believes that it was responsible for progress in the country. This is nonsensical at best.

Proper Response: You hate black people.

2) Criticism: Barack Obama lacks any substantive energy policy. At this perilous time in our nation’s history, this is highly problematic.

Proper Response: By “energy,” you clearly mean “white ancestors,” you despicable racist.

3) Criticism: Barack Obama’s statements on foreign policy are a muddle, and demonstrate the candidate’s appalling inexperience.

Proper Response: This is an age-old “Bull” Connor trick: By highlighting Obama’s “inexperience,” you are—insidiously—arguing that any black man lacks the intelligence to be president of the United States.

4) Criticism: Although claiming to be a “post-partisan” candidate, Barack Obama is really an un-reconstructed paleo-liberal, who dresses up his Mondale era politics in the rhetorical cloak of moderation.

Proper Response: Rhetorical cloak? Sounds like the Ku Klux Klan to me.

5) Criticism: Although, he’s a true tax-and-spender, in regard to funding our troops, Barack Obama has been extremely niggardly.

Proper Response: Uh, did you just use the N-word? I rest my case.

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August 04, 2008

Idiots on Escalators: Theory and Practice

Okay: Here's something that really, really annoys us. We mean really gets our dander up. It's almost galactically irksome, in fact. We speak, naturally, of idiots incapable of understanding elevator etiquette.

For some reason, dear reader, there number is legion. It's as if demonstration of proper escalator technique were as rare as a bald eagle. Or the crown jewels. Or a feminist with a sense of humor.

We mean, come on: How difficult is it to understand the proper use of the noble escalator? Why do so many people seem so darned clueless about it?

If any of our readers are, as the politically correct folks say, developmentally retarded when it comes to the escalator, allow us to offer you the unofficial rules. Those standing still on the escalator should stay on its right side. Those walking should pass on the left.

That's it. No stick shift. No U-turns. No coughing and turning your head to one side.

How unremittingly simple! How undeniably effective!

And yet sundry morons throughout this great nation (and elsewhere, we'd wager) have somehow managed to eschew elevator etiquette. If you ask us, we think it ought to be taught in school, instead of sex education. After all, failure to heed elevator decorum is a far weightier problem in this country than teenage pregnancy. Although we'd wager that somehow there's a link between the two. (Ever seen a pregnant 13-year-old on an escalator? We rest our case.)

The typical escalator moron seems to be a fellow in his late teens, who's too busy attempting to impress a prospective girlfriend to trouble himself with any regard for others. Standing on the escalator's left side, he's gleefully chatting up some useless bimbo, discussing the finer points of the aural detritus typically known as "rock music," oblivious to the fact that he's blocking a veritable Russian Army from walking up the escalator.

As far as we, the crack young staff of "The Hatemonger's Quarterly," are concerned, you are fully within your rights to bop this doofus on the head. This hormone-infested tyro is stopping progress, and for that, he deserves nothing less than a savage, savage beating.

In fact, if Barack Obama would merely say that moronic escalator-misusers should receive 5-10-year sentences for their crimes against humanity, we'd vote for the fellow. That would certainly make up for the fact that he's an insufferable egotist with cloudy views on foreign policy. And, as The New Yorker ably demonstrated, a Muslim terrorist.

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