Academics Against Remote Oppression that in No Way Affects Them-A Manifesto

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” couldn’t help but notice that our friends on the academic Left are always nattering about some sort of supposed injustice. When these hypocritical pseudo-gadflies are not grousing about their Axis of Evil (the United States and Israel), they are busy signing petitions that condemn purported injustices in strong language.

Naturally, our tenured radicals are not bothered by, say, China’s occupation of Tibet or Syria’s occupation of Lebanon; nor do they shed tears over the plight of women in countries such as Saudi Arabia.

Yet we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have noted another trend amongst our friends on the academic Left: They are ineluctably unconcerned about any brand of injustice to which they contribute, or which affects them in any way. They have no problem nattering on about the evils of “Zionist imperialism,” but issues that hit closer to home don’t appear to be in their collective radar screens.

In order to help sort out the confused politics of such tenured radicals, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly offer an official manifesto, which any academic leftist can sign. We call it:

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Academics Against Remote Oppression that in No Way Affects Them Manifesto (THMQOAAROTINWATM):

We, the undersigned, are deeply troubled by manifold injustices: Capitalism, democracy, &c. Yet we wish to announce that we are untroubled by various issues that would normally trouble such beacons of “social justice” as ourselves.

1. The fact that numerous professors at our universities are offered starvation wages and no health-care. As long as they teach the classes we don’t want to bother with, that’s fine by us.
2. The fact that our graduate students live in abject poverty. As long as they teach the classes we don’t want to bother with, that’s fine by us.
3. The fact that our parking spots are far, far better than those held by lowly service employees. Sure, we’re Marxists and all, but we don’t want to take this “fairness” stuff too far.
4. The fact that some students want a balanced liberal arts education, instead of four years of left-wing agitprop.

If our friends on the academic Left would simply sign this humble manifesto, we could claim that they promote truth in advertising. We won’t hold our breath.