College Op-Ed Disasters Redux

Oftentimes, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have used this space to dilate on the disgraceful character of college op-eds. As such, we are wary of repeating ourselves. After all, we don’t want to become some sort of broken record, mindlessly prattling on about the same arrant piffle. After all, we don’t want to become some sort of broken record, mindlessly prattling on about the same arrant piffle.

And yet, dear reader, the quintessential example of the ridiculous college column has just crossed our desks. It was penned by one Bridget Newman, a young woman who composes a bi-monthly feature entitled “Looking for the Holes.”

One would hope, dear reader, that someone who writes under that heading would refrain from naming one of their columns “The V-Word.” Alas, in the case of Bridget Newman, you would think wrong.

The piece offers all the typical characteristics of the whiny college feminist tract: All-knowing tone; mindless self-absorption; overwrought claims; &c.

And yet, dear reader, it is so much more. Just take in its final paragraph—perhaps one of the most impressive pieces of unintentional humor in the history of the American university:

I, too, want to live in a world in which our fates are not so defined by our genitals, but unfortunately we’re not there yet. I’m so much more than my vagina, but it has and will always shape my life. Until we talk more about vaginas, we can’t progress to a world where all of us are safe, happy and respected.

Wow. After reading this passage, dear reader, we collectively wondered: Is it possible to offer a non sequitur on the same topic? Although Ms. Newman’s “vagina disquisition,” if you will, remains firmly in the nether regions, it somehow manages to be a disconnected mess.

This does not mean, however, that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hope to inhabit a world in which our fates are “defined by our genitals.” After all, where would that leave the Japanese? In addition, dear reader, there isn’t a doubt in our minds that Ms. Newman is “so much more than her vagina.”

As far as we can tell, she’s three parts vagina, four parts women’s studies automaton.

Still, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” eagerly desire to know the ways in which Ms. Newman’s vagina “has and will always shape [her] life.” In fact, we hope to figure out the ways in which Ms. Newman’s vagina “has and will always shape [our] life.” All of our lives, actually. Other than in the realm of underwear purchases.

In fact, now that we know what a profound effect Bridget Newman’s genitals have had on her, we shall cast away our previous Christian-centric manner of dating (BC and AD) and replace it with the following:

DBBNVSHL: The Days Before Bridget Newman’s Vagina Shaped Her Life

and

DABNVSHL: The Days After Bridget Newman’s Vagina Shaped Her Life.