June 26, 2008

We Heard a Rumor

Before we get underway with today’s inspired animadversion, we ought to note that the headline for said musing is most decidedly not a reference to a feculent song by a feculent pop outfit called Bananarama. As such, you, dear reader, may continue to absorb our opinions, free from the worry that we shall plague you with un-hip references to lame 1980s rock-n-rollers.

(Incidentally, we need to inform you that our humble spellchecker does not recognize the word “Bananarama,” which, we think, amounts to one of the greatest arguments in favor of the continued flourishing of Western culture that we have happened upon in some time. Our humble spellchecker does, however, recognize the word “spellchecker,” which we find entirely apt.)

Far from offering some meanderings in the world of the lowbrow, today’s humble “post” aims to discuss a far more pertinent matter: The candidacy of one Barack Obama (D-Change) for the presidency of these here United States of America. You see, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been away from the e-hustle and e-bustle of Al Gore’s Internet. As regular readers of our lucubrations well know, we haven’t been “posting” with great frequency. Hence you can count all our readers on no fingers.

Part and parcel of our recent avoidance of Al Gore’s World-Wide Web has been our failure to keep up with the current presidential campaign. As a result, upon returning from our dungeon to the world of the living, we are often shocked by headlines we missed. Did anyone hear, for example, that Mike Gravel (D-Insane Asylum) didn’t get the Democratic nomination? Man, that’s a real surprise.

Given our current (if not omnipresent) ignorance, we have decided to ask a few pertinent questions of our readers. Have you heard that Barack Obama is a Muslim? Is his real name Barry Hussein Obama? Or words to that effect? Is he friends with some fellow who is an unrepentant meteorologist?

As insane as these rumors might sound, we’ve recently heard them kicking around. It’s important to get to the bottom of these matters. After all, erroneously claiming that Barack Obama is a member of the Religion of Peace is an odious slander, designed to drive a wedge of fear (and cake) through the benighted, God-fearing American citizen.

Let us hope that the evil Republicans (pardon the pleonasm) don’t present such scurrilous rumors as this year’s version of Swift Boating. Yes, Sen. Obama’s middle name may seem strikingly like the surname of a certain deceased Iraqi dictator. And, yes, Sen. Obama’s pastor of some 20 years may despise white people. And, yes, Sen. Obama may be Hamas’ favorite American politician, save Jimmy “Nobel Piece of Israel Prize” Carter.

But, by Hercules, that is not reason to disassociate oneself from Sen. Obama’s campaign. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” shall vote on far more important matters. Like military service. After all, our Democratic pals made much of John Kerry’s distinguished martial history, unlike that of our semi-draft-dodging Doofus-in-Chief.

If Sen. Barack Osama Obamaa—the distinguished imam, hater of “whitey,” devotee of weathermen, and member of Hamas—fought in ‘Nam, we’re ready to pull the lever for him.

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June 20, 2008

U.S. vs. Scoblic

Recently, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” polished off our office copy of U.S. vs. Them: How a Half-Century of Conservatism Has Undermined America’s Security. This dry tome is the work of J. Peter Scoblic, the executive editor of the normally rational New Republic.

Ah, what arrant nonsense! We’ll spare you of specifics, dear reader, and merely inform you that Mr. Scoblic earnestly wishes that Ronald Reagan had been sufficiently bright to follow the coruscating genius that was Jimmy Carter’s foreign policy.

Yes, yes: That was a complete success. Just ask those plucky Iranian hostages how much they cared for the peanut farmer’s overtures to the world. Criticizing the Shah for human rights abuses was a real good call, eh?

Overall, Mr. Scoblic chastises conservatives for clinging to a good-versus-evil approach to foreign policy. Humorously enough, Mr. Scoblic doesn’t appear to perceive that he himself presents his own version of a good-versus-evil mindset: According to him, liberal foreign policy is good, whilst its conservative corollary is evil.

And, naturally, Mr. Scoblic maintains his aversion to moralistic approaches to world affairs by routinely failing to discuss the horrid actions of any US enemies. Bereft of the vocabulary of evil, how does he suggest we characterize the Gulag, for example? Well, he never mentions it. A regime could engage in premeditated genocide, and the brilliant Mr. Scoblic would still label conservatives knuckle-dragging buffoons for labeling such a junta evil.

Mr. Scoblic also contends that American conservatives demonstrate an appalling distrust of scientific and social-scientific evidence. You know, like in regard to sociobiology or IQ tests. Charles Murray and E.O. Wilson must have oodles of stories pertaining to conservative mistrust of their findings. Or how about research on single-parent households and their effects on poverty? We suppose these are devastating examples of conservative distaste for experts.

Along with this patronizing view of American conservatives come Mr. Scoblic’s assertions about the Bush administration’s patent anti-intellectualism. For instance, the sharp and debonair Mr. Scoblic asserts:

…Bush would later explain to a journalist: “What angered me was the way such people at Yale felt so intellectually superior and so righteous.” Such elitism would be strictly forbidden at the Bush White House, where degrees from the University of Michigan or Texas A&M were welcomed, while Ivy League pedigrees aroused suspicion.

Leave to one side the ridiculousness of Mr. Scoblic claiming that the Bush administration’s purported love for the University of Michigan—amongst the most esteemed of public institutions of higher learning—amounts to an example of anti-intellectualism. Instead, let us move on to test his claim about the “suspicion” “aroused” by “Ivy League pedigrees.”

Now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” fully recognize the conservative disdain for evidence. Thus we hope you’ll pardon our nod to a few minutes of Wikipedia “research.”

Below we have provided a cursory list of past and present Bush administration officials and some of their educational backgrounds:

Douglas Feith attended Harvard University.
John Bolton attended Yale University.
Richard Cheney attended Yale University.
I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby attended Yale University.
Donald Rumsfeld attended Princeton University.
John Ashcroft attended Yale University.
Michael Mukasey attended Columbia University.
Elaine Chao attended Harvard Business School.
Joshua Bolten attended Princeton Univerity.
Robert Zoellick attended Harvard Law School.
Paul Wolfowitz attended Cornell University.
Tom Ridge attended Harvard University.
Michael Chertoff attended Harvard University and Harvard Law School.
Spencer Abraham attended Harvard Law School.

Ah, the chilly reception these poor fellows must have endured in the anti-intellectual precincts of the Bush administration! We hope these chaps didn’t bristle too much at the obvious suspicion that their colleagues demonstrated toward them.

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June 16, 2008

The Lost “City”?

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t like to seem cruel. After all, we consider Nick Lowe’s exhortation “You gotta’ be cruel to be kind” entirely wrongheaded. Not to mention, the lyrics to a horrible pop song, to boot.

In fact, we consider our kindness—nay, our compassion—amongst the most important of our attributes. Kindness may not be next to godliness, but, if you ask us, it’s nearer than, say, Billy Joel.

All the above remarks should warn you, dear reader, that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are poised to say something unkind. Distinctly unkind, in fact. Downright mean, even.

So, please realize, dear reader, that we offer today’s commentary with a collective heavy heart. We do not, we must stress, take great delight in presenting such nasty thoughts.

And yet, we feel we must. The crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has a duty to the Truth, and by golly we’re going to stick by it. If the Truth is good enough for honest to goodness patriots like Col. Oliver North and John Poindexter (or was that Buster Poindexter?), it’s sure as shingles good enough for us. Without further ado, then, we offer up a malignant animadversion. Prepare yourself, Flyover Country.

Recent e-strolling round Al Gore’s World Wide-Web has informed us that a portion of these here United States of America is under water. One e-article on the subject declares that, “Flooding Puts Cedar Rapids, Much of Iowa Under Water.” Something called the Drudge Report “linked” to said article with the headline “The Lost City of…Iowa,” or some such.

To which we humbly reply: The lost city of Iowa? Uh, does Iowa have any cities? If it does, how come we can’t recall any?

If you ask us, we’re glad that Al Gore’s Gods of Global Warming decided to strike such a ridiculous portion of the United States anyway. We mean, come on: It’s Iowa. It’s pretty much Mexico’s northern annex. Oh, no: The floods have ruined all that…grass.

Alas! Alas! The floodwaters have come close to the sanctified purlieus of the University of Iowa! Oh, dear. How will all the corn-fed yokels learn their Readin’, Ritin’, and Rithmatic’?

Will civilization outlast the flooding of Iowa State? We hope it will be so, but we collectively doubt it.

Before you get in a huff, dear reader, please be kind enough to recognize that we previously informed you that our words weren’t terribly kind. After all, these poor slack-jawed hicks are busy salvaging their John Deer tractors and butter churners, and we’re off making fun of them. Not, we daresay, very nice at all.

So, from here on out, we won’t mention the fact that we’re glad Global Warming took out its wrath on one of the worst of these here United States. Save Nebraska, perhaps. We won’t implore the Gods of Global Warming to hit South Dakota next. That would be unfeeling and rude to our fan(s) in the nation’s heartland.

In fact, our intemperate outburst has compelled us to give up some of our hard-earned money to help clean up after the disaster in Iowa. And we officially exhort our reader(s) to do likewise. Ah, the selflessness of the crack young staff.

We knew that kinder sentiments would prevail.

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