July 29, 2008

Our Glorious Five-Year Plan

As longtime readers of this humble "weblog" well know, we, the crack young staff of "The Hatemonger's Quarterly," have hardly kept up with our erstwhile brisk e-pace. After all, back in the day, we "posted" each and every weekday--and even found time to compose a Sunday lucubration on the Wizbang "weblog" as well.

Unfortunately, however, our deep-pocketed financial backers decided not to renew our funding, and thus we've been scrambling to make ends meet. (We've also been scrambling eggs to make with our meat, but that, dear reader, is an entirely different story. A tasty story, but, as we suggested, utterly different.)

The long and the short of it, is that you--our highly valued e-customer--have been desperately missing our e-musings. Sure, we've "posted" a witty animadversion every month or so, but that's hardly allowed you to get your fill, now has it?

It is with some aplomb, then, that we, the crack young staff of "The Hatemonger's Quarterly," announce Our New E-Posting Plan--to delight our e-reader(s) with at least one humble "post" a week. Although this won't bring us back to our glory days (or Bruce Springsteen's, either), at least it will make us about as regular as an elderly woman clutching a cup of Metamucil.

For no good reason, we've decided to label this our New Glorious Five-Year Plan. A recent check of Wikipedia informs us that five-year plans have worked really, really well throughout modern history, so we figured it'd be a great bandwagon on which to jump.

So, to start our new (and somewhat lax) committment to Al Gore's World-Wide Web, we offer today's humble discussion. And we proudly invite you to read it to your heart's content. Bask, dear reader, in the gorgeousness that is our coruscating e-genius.

Okay, okay, okay: Let's get down to brass tacks. Since our recent budget massacres, we have been markedly bereft of interns. You see, dear reader, unlike those self-regarding, holier-than-thou magazines of the Left, we don't esteem unpaid child labor. Thus, minus our former big bucks, we have no more interns. And, we hasten to add, no Whammies either.

As a result, we've been unable to keep up with our voluminous e-correspondence. Folks have written to us from as far afield as New Jersey, and we haven't found the time to answer them. It's rude of us, we know, but we've been too busy turning tricks to pay for our "weblog" to concern ourselves with the far more sordid world of e-mail.

In today's "post," then, we figured we'd make a start at answering an e-mail query from our backlog. As prominent "webloggers," we naturally receive numerous e-mails from the rich and important. You know, jet-setters and opinion-makers. Like Mark Furhman.

Under the circumstances, it proved difficult to select a sufficiently impressive e-mail. But we think we've found one. Thus we've picked an e-missive from a gal who identifies herself only as "joanna." Her short message reads as follows:

Hi It`s joanna again. Will you ever contact me? I made those nude pictures especially for you and I wont write to you again! If you wanna see them just drop me a line at: bjoanna051@wildpears.info

Ah, what to say in response? We don't mean to upset the e.e. cummings-esque "joanna," but we're pretty darn sure we've never heard from her before. Consequently, we're more than a bit baffled by her concern that we're brushing her off.

It also beggars belief, we think, that our new pal "made those [?] nude pictures especially for" the entire crack young staff of "The Hatemonger's Quarterly." Admittedly, about half of our staff would delight in such naughty photos, even if they came from e.e. cummings. Or even bell hooks. But the other half of our staff (the distaff staffers) is disgusted.

After talking this through, dear reader, we've decided not to respond (again!) to our dear friend "joanna." In fact, we've come to the--admittedly hasty--conclusion that she doesn't know us as well as she previously supposed. Call us paranoid, but it's as if her epistle were directed at thousands of people at random.

So, dear reader, you see what fun you've been missing? Don't worry: We'll be sure to dive further into our mail bag and pick out some other choice examples of enlightening correspondence. Why, just the other day, a Nigerian we've never met made us a very lucrative business proposal. Not too shabby, eh?

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July 21, 2008

A Fuddy-Duddy Meets Obama

It is starting, dear reader, to get very bad. Very, very bad, in fact. We, the crack young staff of "The Hatemonger's Quarterly," have always attempted to remain neutral about American politicians we don't esteem. After all, nothing makes one look like an idiot quite like a-rantin' and a-ravin' about, say, Bill Clinton or George W. Bush.

As a result, we pride ourselves on only despising the most odious of political figures--Pat Buchanan, Ron Paul, Jimmy Carter, Gallagher. You know: the really obtuse folks.

In fact, for years we've collectively had a recurring dream about returning with Pat Buchanan to the late 19th century, so we could watch him react to WASPs offering racist fulminations about Irish immigrants. Sadly, nothing would make us happier than spying that crypto-Nazi in such a situation. (Perhaps we could get Lou Dobbs to come along as well?)

Given our sincere attempts to steer clear of politician-bashing, it is with some embarrassment that we, the crack young staff of "The Hatemonger's Quarterly," announce that we are beginning to despise Barack Obama.

Now, don't get us wrong, dear reader: We don't hate Sen. Obama for any of the reasons proferred by the knuckle-draggers--he's a Muslim; he's half-black; he's half-white; he's a terrorist; he used to work at CVS; that he esteems Paula Abdul; &c. In addition, unlike the (Ir)Rev. Jesse Jackson, we don't aim to castrate the man.

Still, there is something about Sen. Obama that just rankles.

And we think we know what it is: According to the smart set, Sen. Obama has become "cool." He's been on the receiving end of more puff pieces than the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Rock stars; public intellectuals; Kennedys (living and deceased); the Dell guy--everyone loves him.

Ah, but not us. We, the crack young staff of "The Hatemonger's Quarterly," hate to say it, but we despise anyone that everyone else esteems. The minute someone becomes cool is the minute we grow really wary.

So, we're sick of all the "Yes, We Can," "Change You Can Believe In" garbage. We think it's the left-wing equivalent of President Bush's "compassionate conservatism" mumbo-jumbo. In other words, it's bunk.

We could be wrong, of course, but we think Sen. Obama positively reeks of Jimmy Carter. (Who, of course, himself smells of peanuts and hummus. Oh, and Jew-hatred.) And we want to tell this to you now: Barack Hussein Obama ain't that great.

In a few years, when you finally realize that Sen. Obama is not, in fact, the Secular Jesus, you can remember that We Told You So.

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