November 28, 2008

You Got Some ‘Splainin’ To Do

For those of you unaware of recent international events (read: Americans), we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” must inform you that a horrible group of terrorist attacks just took place in Mumbai, India. As of this writing, over 100 people have been killed by jihad-inspired militants.

If you’re anything like us, dear reader, you’re probably thinking: Who would ever think that Muslims would carry out such atrocities? We know, we know—sometimes really strange things happen on God’s green (and increasingly warming) earth. As it turns out, some Muslims are a bit angry. Enraged, you might say. That’s news to us.

But before we start pointing fingers at a few nasty practitioners of the Religion of Peace, let us give thanks for one thing—Saint Barack will soon inhabit the White House. Oh, huzzah, huzzah: Soon all shall be well.

We mean, come on: Someone has to give these Indian jihadis a talking-to. Like Lucille Ball, they’ve sure got some ‘splainin’ to do.

Thankfully, these here United States of America will soon have as its leader a man thoroughly willing to talk to anyone without preconditions. And that includes, we hope, a handful of nasty jihadist dead-enders, if any of these brutes survive the aftermath of the attacks.

Wouldn’t you just love to be a fly on the wall when President Obama finishes his conversation with these misguided folks? Boy, they’ll feel awfully foolish, won’t they?

We can just see it now: A miserable pack of miserable Pakistani Islamists muttering to themselves: “What were we thinking? President Obama was totally correct: Terrorism is never going to bring us closer together.”

If we’re lucky, dear reader, Saint Obama (D-Mainstream Media) will cut short his colloquy with Raul Castro to have a heart-to-heart with these odious militants. There’s nothing the fancy-talking B. H. Obama can’t accomplish. And, we should add, he’s downright sexy too.

By the time he’s done with them, they’ll fully recognize the errors of their ways, and they’ll soon be donating money to gay marriage proponents worldwide.

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November 17, 2008

The Return of the Golden Age

Since last we wrote in this space, dear reader, a fellow by the name of Barack H. Obama (D-Hope and Change) won the election for the next president of these here United States. And we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” couldn’t be any happier. Like various level-headed folks around this great country of ours, we’re simply euphoric. Our collective voice is still hoarse from our stentorian cheering.

We mean, come on: We’ve barely survived the Fascist Police State known as the Bush Administration, and now we find out that we shall spend the next four years under the august stewardship of the august Sen. Obama. Oh, joy of joys!

Finally, America will be a complete paragon of virtue. No longer will it be sullied by the odious Bushies and their disgraceful associates. You know: Tony Reszko, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, William Ayers—those kind of folks.

Nope, as our Obama supporting pals correctly note, soon all will be perfect in the United States. He’s not even spent a minute in office, and already we feel like handing Barack Obama a Nobel Peace Prize. Or perhaps an award with a less dubious history.

Yes, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can’t wait until the Anointed One officially assumes the presidency and quickly solves all the world’s problems. For this bright, articulate, sexy man, it should prove particularly easy to lead us to utopia. Yes, he can.

It’s so obvious: Barack H. Obama will fix everything, from our current financial woes to athletes’ foot. Not for nothing does this delightful president-in-waiting possess the same middle initial as Jesus H. Christ. He’s just that good.

Given the unsurpassable goodness of Barack Obama, the only reasonable concerns about his upcoming administration run something like this: Which horrendously vexing crisis will President Obama first solve? What nasty disease will he first cure? What intractable conflict will he first end?

Our guess: Within the first three seconds of his term, President Obama will cure both AIDS and cancer. The former will be a snap, since, as Mr. Obama’s longtime pastor and spiritual mentor has reasonably assured us, HIV is just some nasty white conspiracy anyway.

Next Saint Barack will turn to the simple matter of Middle East peace, which we’d reckon he’ll solve within his first few days at the helm. After all, once he shuns the nefarious Jewish Lobby and turns his ears toward calmer heads, such as that of Rashid Khalidi, peace will be upon us faster than you can say Edward Said.

The hasty conclusion to that trifling matter will free up time for President Obama to end global hunger. Which, for a man of his talents, should take our new Genius-in-Chief about three minutes.

And Sen. Obama will do all these things, dear reader, without ever stooping to wire-tapping, waffling, or any other Bush-era evils. Nope: Now that we’ve elected a completely perfect specimen of humanity, we can just sit back and wait for the golden age to return.

In the meantime, perhaps someone could start carving Sen. Obama’s likeness onto Mt. Rushmore? You know, next to Lincoln, or one of the other comparative presidential flops whose lily-white faces adorn that monument.

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