April 27, 2004
Complaints Department
Naturally, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” receive all kinds of laudatory e-mails from epistlers world-wide. Every once in a while, however, we encounter a slightly less praiseworthy missive.
We know what you are thinking, dear reader: How can anyone find fault with the luminous animadversions of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”? Quite frankly, we can’t figure it out ourselves. Even so, we have collected enough hate mail that our “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Complaints Department has begun to complain. Which, if you think really hard about it, is ironic.
One correspondent was so peeved by our petulant dismissal of the word “moist” (which you can read here) that he informed us that he was going to name his first-born son “Moist.”
We know what you are thinking, dear reader: If he is going to name his son “Moist,” what the heck is he going to name his daughter? To be honest, we don’t want to know.
More typically, we receive an angry e-mail penned by a direct target of our opprobrium. For instance, a chucklehead from the marketing department of the University of Chicago Press composed a hate-filled epistle to our staff, because we had the gall to ridicule the chuckleheads from the marketing department of the University of Chicago Press. The fact that the greeting of this angry letter read “Dear Hatemonger” didn’t seem to be foolish enough to stop him from continuing.
Thanks to all this obloquy, the Official Complaints Department of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has decided to streamline matters, by offering our readers a “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Complaint Form. From now on, irate members of Gillette’s middle-management and other assorted ne’er-do-wells can simply follow our paint-by-the-numbers Complaint Form.
“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Complaint Form:
Dear Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Qurarterly,”
I am a regular reader of your “weblog” who loves your wholesome, Family-Circus-esque humor. As a result, I was deeply dismayed by your recent discussion of _________.
In this discussion, you unfairly castigated _________. This is particularly unfortunate, because ______ is actually ________. Accordingly, your tasteless yuks at _______’s expense were not only misinformed, but deeply troubling.
In the future, perhaps you could confine yourselves to silly gags about _______.
Cordially,
_________
PS: Go ______ yourselves.
Well, dear reader, that’s the Official Form. Just in case there is some confusion regarding the proper manner of filling out the Official Form, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” will offer you a sample version. The following is an example of the Official Form if Peter Frampton (whom we excoriated here) had stumbled out of his decades-long musical hibernation and troubled himself enough to complain:
“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Complaint Form as Hypothetically Filled Out by Erstwhile Music Sensation Peter Frampton:
Dear Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Qurarterly,”
I am a regular reader of your “weblog” who loves your wholesome, Family-Circus-esque humor. As a result, I was deeply dismayed by your recent discussion of “Baby I Love Your Way.”
In this discussion, you unfairly castigated my flowing locks and impressive musical gifts. This is particularly unfortunate, because “Baby I Love Your Way” is actually a landmark work of Western culture. Accordingly, your tasteless yuks at “Baby I Love Your Way”’s expense were not only misinformed, but deeply troubling.
In the future, perhaps you could confine yourselves to silly gags about Uriah Heep.
Cordially,
Peter Frampton
PS: Go Phil-Collins yourselves.
That should clear things up. And, just to show our readership that we care deeply about the little people, the new head of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Complaints Department will be former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich.
So, dear reader, you can send your wrathful Official Complaint Forms to Mr. Reich care of: pertinacious.little.fellow@harvard.edu. Mr. Reich or some other Clinton lackey should respond to your grousing in a few short weeks. Maybe even Sidney Blumenthal will deign to write you.
