Michael Jackson Took Drugs—and Other Deeply Surprising Factoids

Well, dear reader, it’s certainly true that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been a bit silent of late. In fact, it has been, as our ancestors used to say, many moons since last we graced you with one of our glorious animadversions. Regular reader(s) of our fine musings must have been quite depressed.

But no longer. No, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have officially broken our long e-silence to comment on recent matters of great historical import.

No, we don’t mean to dilate on President Obama’s Hand-Wringing Apology Tour. Sure, our current Spendthrift-in-Chief is doing his level-best to support various odious regimes worldwide, but we don’t want to mention that right now. Nor, we should add, do we aim to discuss the nomination of an ever-redundant wise Latina woman to the hallowed Supreme Court. And frankly, as a passel of white men with similar experiences, our opinion on Ms. Sotomayor is pretty much moot. Let us just say that Ms. Sotomayor’s nomination has made us think twice about careers in firefighting in New Haven, CT.

Instead, dear reader, we have departed from our long-term silence to pontificate about the recent and unfortunate demise of the so-called King of Pop, Michael Jackson. We know, we know: We must be the only ones discussing it.

Let us say from the start that we never particularly fancied Mr. Jackson’s music. We don’t mean to be downers, but we’ve always preferred the vocal work of Tuvan throat singers. And Rosanne Barr. To each his own.

Still, we hope that Mr. Jackson rests in peace. He obviously made millions upon millions of people happy, and that is no mean accomplishment.

The same, however, cannot be said of the incessant media coverage that has accompanied Mr. Jackson’s premature demise. Every Tom, Dick, and Al Sharpton has been on the airwaves of late, offering his un-pearls of un-wisdom on the death of Mr. Jackson.

Along with this, of course, has come endless prattle about oddities associated with Mr. Jackson that everyone already knew. You say that Mr. Jackson was accused of child molestation? Wow: We had no idea! You tell us that Mr. Jackson endured frequent bouts of plastic surgery? Gee, whiz: Why hadn’t anyone told us about that before?

Perhaps the most annoying theme in the wall-to-wall coverage is the shock—shock, mind you—accompanying revelations that Mr. Jackson may have taken various drugs that hastened, if not caused, his death. For some reason, our television gasbags have touted this as an earth-shattering revelation.

Michael Jackson was surrounded by yes-men who would happily obtain illegal substances for him? Well, color us startled. Next you’ll tell us that Robert Downey Jr. has a bit of a drug problem himself.