Crying Wolf, Crying Racism—The Obama Campaign’s Un-Official Guide

Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic contender for president of these here United States of America, is—as he never tires of telling us—a post-racial candidate. Yes, Sen. Obama (D-Bromides), though a man of mixed racial origins, hopes to transcend race in his campaign for this land’s highest office.

And what, you may reasonably ask, makes up Sen. Obama’s post-racial politics? Why, crying racism at every turn, it appears. Ah: How very novel. What a nice change from the divisive rhetoric of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, who…cry racism at every turn.

We noted this, dear reader, as a result of Sen. Obama’s erstwhile remarks regarding the physical dissimilarities between himself and the US presidents whose faces adorn American paper currency. Yes, yes, yes: Sen. Obama doesn’t resemble George Washington in the least, and the evil Republicans will surely make the most of that factoid.

We don’t know about you, but the mere thought of Sen. Obama’s dramatic un-resemblance to Abraham Lincoln positively compels us to shudder. Thank God John McCain looks exactly like President Lincoln.

As dubious as all this is, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have detected even more “post-partisan” race-baiting from our Obama-supporting pals. One friend—whom we won’t name, but merely call “Ted Santos”—informed us that the Republicans’ harping on Sen. Obama’s ambitiousness positively reeks of white disdain for uppity blacks.

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Uh, come again? What? Since when did lame cries of racism not even make rudimentary sense?

It seems clear to us, then, that Sen. Obama’s supporters—along with the Senator himself—hope to guard the Democratic nominee from all criticisms by labeling each and every critique an insidious racist plot. After all, it worked with Hillary; why shouldn’t it work again?

A problem remains, however. How, dear reader, can one twist all criticism of Barack Obama into racist skullduggery?

Oh, but that’s where we come in. The Official Crying Wolf Department here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has come up with a few rudimentary racially charged answers to potential McCain retorts. If you support Barack Obama’s “post-partisan” race-baiting, you’re going to want to memorize these responses.

The Obama-Supporter’s Guide to Post-Partisan Race-Baiting

1) Criticism: Barack Obama was wrong about the US troop “surge” in Iraq. Even now, he claims to oppose the “surge,” though he also believes that it was responsible for progress in the country. This is nonsensical at best.

Proper Response: You hate black people.

2) Criticism: Barack Obama lacks any substantive energy policy. At this perilous time in our nation’s history, this is highly problematic.

Proper Response: By “energy,” you clearly mean “white ancestors,” you despicable racist.

3) Criticism: Barack Obama’s statements on foreign policy are a muddle, and demonstrate the candidate’s appalling inexperience.

Proper Response: This is an age-old “Bull” Connor trick: By highlighting Obama’s “inexperience,” you are—insidiously—arguing that any black man lacks the intelligence to be president of the United States.

4) Criticism: Although claiming to be a “post-partisan” candidate, Barack Obama is really an un-reconstructed paleo-liberal, who dresses up his Mondale era politics in the rhetorical cloak of moderation.

Proper Response: Rhetorical cloak? Sounds like the Ku Klux Klan to me.

5) Criticism: Although, he’s a true tax-and-spender, in regard to funding our troops, Barack Obama has been extremely niggardly.

Proper Response: Uh, did you just use the N-word? I rest my case.