For the Love of God, Vote for Us—Take Two

Note: This humble “post” will stay atop our humble “weblog” for the duration of the “2006 Weblog Awards” voting. (You can vote for us here.) For newer material, scroll down below.

Oh, dear: Will we be remembered as the Internet equivalent of the Jamaican bobsled team? (Minus an unremarkable film starring John Candy, of course.) For two straight years, dear reader, this humble “website” has been picked as a finalist in the “Best Humor Blog” category of the quasi-prestigious “Weblog Awards” (for which you can vote here). And, unfortunately, we could make the e-history books for a rather dubious distinction.

You see, dear reader, last year we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” came in dead last. You can count all the “weblogs” we beat on no fingers. It’s sad, but it’s true.

Accordingly, we have taken it upon ourselves to exhort your unqualified support with particular zeal. Like the guy who played Kramer, we need all the help we can get. (Unlike Kramer, however, we haven’t used the N-word.)

But what can you, a diehard fan of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” do to aid us? Heck of a good question. We’re glad we made you ask it.

The following is a helpful list for those hoping to come to the rescue:

1) Vote for us in Mayor Daley fashion (early, often, and even when dead).

2) Tell all your friends and even a few people you don’t like that much to plump for us as well.

3) Kill the guy who writes Scrappleface and all the authors of the other “weblogs” we’re up against.

Okay, okay, okay: Admittedly number 2 is a little extreme. But it’s for a good cause. Think of us as the World-Wide Web equivalent of those starving African babies you see in television advertisements. Look at us: Our distended bellies, our unkempt surroundings, our warm baby-blue eyes. Wouldn’t voting for us be the moral thing to do?

Then, of course, we should add the fact that we’re knock-down drag-out funny. Why, just take a gander at some of our rapier wit:

Hate Mail Bag
The White Woman's Burden
Hunger Strike for an Instalanche
The Huffington Post: Den of Pedophiles
Fat Man, Nice Hair
Useless Idiots
Toward a Taxonomy of Female Graduate Students

And how about some greatness from 2004 and 2005:

Bridget Newman Is More Than Her Vagina
Breastcasting?
Complain, Complain, Complain
New York Review of Books, Here We Come
Academic Superstars: The Calendar!

Boy, if you ask us, that’s e-genius at its finest. So vote for us, for crying out loud. It’ll make you feel all warm and tingly inside. We guarantee it.