September 28, 2006
We Hunger for an Instalanche
As longtime readers of this humble “weblog” well know, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been pontificating on all and sundry for well over two years. Though we undoubtedly run one of the humbler outfits on Al Gore’s World-Wide Web, we must admit that we’ve had a modicum of success: “Links” from the likes of The Corner, Andrew Sullivan, James Taranto, Nick Gillespie, Vodkapundit, The New Criterion, &c.
All the same, dear reader, one mark of Internet accomplishment has ineluctably eluded us. Try as we might, Glenn Reynolds, the famed Instapundit, has failed to offer one measly “link” to our humble “weblog.”
It’s just not fair: Through the years, we’ve sent Reynolds umpteen sycophantic e-mails, positively begging him to check out our uproarious musings. And what have we received in response? No responses.
As far as we can intuit, Mr. Reynolds treats letters from the crack young staff like spam messages for dubiously produced generic Viagra.
That’s right: After two solid years of self-effacing e-missives, you can count all our so-called Instalaunches on no fingers. Just think of all the excitement that we’ve missed: No fleeting moments of e-fame; no counting our “hits” with glee; &c. Without some Insta-love, we’re like the Adrian Zmed of the World-Wide Web.
Frankly, dear reader, it’s downright pathetic. In fact, it’s sufficiently pathetic that we are prepared to take extreme measures to remedy the situation.
As of today, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” will officially go on a hunger strike until Glenn Reynolds gives us an Instalanche. You heard us right: Without Mr. Reynolds’ help, they’ll be no hamburgers, no fish sticks, no victuals of any kind for us. And no Peeps either, though they’re only tangentially related to foodstuffs.
We may waste away, dear reader. But, hey, perhaps that’ll do marvels for our incipient modeling careers. Last we checked, Kate Moss wasn’t much of a heifer.
And just think of all the magnanimous people who have gone on hunger strikes: Saddam Hussein, Bobby Sands, Omar Khadr, Jesse Jackson. If such tactics could work for unrepentant mass murderers, IRA militants, one of bin Laden’s lieutenants, and a black guy, just imagine how well it’ll go for us.
Of course, our whole scheme could backfire; we could die. We’d imagine that Glenn Reynolds wouldn’t want that on his conscience. But, hey: He is a lawyer.