A Perfect Rohe

As befits a strikingly popular destination on Al Gore’s World-Wide Web, this humble “weblog” earns its share of fan mail. From Harrisburg to Helsinki (though, to be honest, more from the former than the latter), devotees of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” routinely send us all sorts of e-regards.

“You guys are the greatest.” “I’m going to name my kids ‘crack’ after you.” Such are the epistles that greet our Official E-Mail Intern each morning. Man, it’s nice to be loved.

Every once in what our Japanese friends call a brew moon, however, we find ourselves on the receiving end of a less generous e-missive. For some odd reason, our humble animadversions have the ability to stick in some peoples’ craws. Perhaps it’s unavoidable, but it’s true all the same.

Such was clearly the case in regard to a letter we received in our e-mail box a few days ago. It was penned by one David Perfect, an employee at Jacobs Engineering Group (David.Perfect@jacobs.com). As you’ll see, it was a short note, yet still displayed its author’s wrath. Since this is a family “website,” we’ll have to censor his message a bit (we think you’ll figure out where).

The delightful epistle reads as follows:

F*** you for your comments on miss [sic] Rohe.

That’s it. No further comments, no threats, no nothing.

Well, except, that is to say, the following curious disclaimer, which we’d imagine stems from the corporate office of Jacobs Engineering:

NOTICE – This communication may contain confidential and privileged information that is for the sole use of the intended recipient. Any viewing, copying or distribution of, or reliance on this message by unintended recipients is strictly prohibited. If you have received this message in error, please notify us immediately by replying to the message and deleting it from your computer.

Oh, for crying out loud: Mr. Perfect didn’t just send us a “F*** You” letter; he sent us a “F*** You” letter that “may contain confidential and privileged information.”

If you ask us, that’s pretty lame. Who has the balls to send us a “F*** You, and Don’t You Dare Tell Anyone About It” missive? And who would be dumb enough to think that we’d honor this request?

The answer, dear reader, is David Perfect, the perfect nincompoop who works at Jacobs Engineering.

Now, you may be wondering what exactly got Mr. Perfect’s dander up. Perhaps you remember Jean Sara Rohe, the dimwitted brat whose 15 minutes of fame revolved around her ill-mannered excoriation of Senator John McCain at the most recent New School graduation ceremony? Yeah, we didn’t either.

Anyway, when all our leftist pals were abuzz about the “daring” Ms. Rohe, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” took aim at her. In short, we called her a sophomoric dunce who has all the guts of a fruit fly. Wow: Ridiculing a Republican senator at a graduation in New York City—how reckless can you get? Who would have known that her New School audience would be entirely sympathetic?

Interestingly, we’ve had our share of irate e-mails as a result of our ripping on the addlebrained Jean Sara Rohe. And we find that funny: Although she earned her fleeting notoriety for publicly flogging a senator, her fans don’t like anyone criticizing her. Obviously, Ms. Rohe’s devotees must think she has a thinner skin than John McCain.

And this leads us back to Mr. Perfect. Naturally, we wanted to reply to his charming e-mail. But it was hard to come up with the perfect sentiment. After a few seconds of careful thought, we sent him the following:

Dear Mr. Perfect,

Thank you for your heartfelt defense of Jean Sara Rohe. Your argument in her favor—although a tad longwinded—completely convinced us. As a result of your compelling missive, we have finally recognized our errors. We now realize that Jean Sara Rohe, far from being an ill-bred, closed-minded hippie, is a national treasure.

In the future, we hope to receive further sagacious e-missives from your pen, which will correct our missteps.

Cordially,

The Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”

NOTICE – This communication may contain irony. Any viewing of this message by those stupid enough to send us a pathetic example of hate mail is strictly prohibited.