Fat Man, Nice Hair

Okay, here’s something that bothers us no end. Have you ever walked down the street and spied a middle-aged morbidly obese person with a gorgeous head of hair? We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” sure have, and, without fear of hyperbole, we must say it’s amongst the most irksome phenomena in the history of humanity.

We mean, come on: If you’re fatter than Rosie O’Donnell and Orson Wells combined, you’ve officially let yourself go. And, if you’ve officially let yourself go, you most assuredly don’t deserve a full head of hair. A full back of hair, perhaps, but surely not a full head of hair.

We don’t mean to offer an homage to eugenicists, but we simply must say it: Fat guys with perfect heads of hair are a complete waste of genetic material. This doesn’t imply that we favor any sort of pogrom, but we think they’re useless all the same.

After all, women, as a general rule, do not savor the horrendously out-of-shape. It’s sad, dear reader, but it’s true. So, if you weigh about as much as a Hummer—and waste about as much gas—there’s a good chance that you’re not exactly sex symbol material. Even if you have a clef chin.

As such, the outrageously plump require a full head of hair about as much as Paris Hilton needs slut lessons. Or, if you prefer, about as much as Tom Cruise needs homosexual intercourse.

For some reason, however, we see portly fellows with dashing coiffeurs with great regularity. In fact, we’re beginning to believe it has something to do with bad karma: Perhaps we were mean to a babysitter some time ago, and now we must pay by spotting oodles of fat guys with dashing haircuts.

Actually, the mere existence of frightfully overweight men with full heads of hair has made us rethink our position on Richard Dawkins. You know Richard Dawkins, dear reader: The neo-Darwinian maniac whose latest book, The God Delusion, attempts to proselytize in favor of atheism.

If you ask us, Mr. Dawkin’s personal history presents us with a bit of a Catch-22: We want to believe that he’s thoroughly wrong, but, if God truly presided over a just world, would Richard Dawkins have such a successful career? Not bloody likely, eh?

So, maybe Richard Dawkins is the public intellectuals’ answer to a morbidly obese guy with a nice hairdo?