A Fuddy-Duddy Meets Obama

It is starting, dear reader, to get very bad. Very, very bad, in fact. We, the crack young staff of "The Hatemonger's Quarterly," have always attempted to remain neutral about American politicians we don't esteem. After all, nothing makes one look like an idiot quite like a-rantin' and a-ravin' about, say, Bill Clinton or George W. Bush.

As a result, we pride ourselves on only despising the most odious of political figures--Pat Buchanan, Ron Paul, Jimmy Carter, Gallagher. You know: the really obtuse folks.

In fact, for years we've collectively had a recurring dream about returning with Pat Buchanan to the late 19th century, so we could watch him react to WASPs offering racist fulminations about Irish immigrants. Sadly, nothing would make us happier than spying that crypto-Nazi in such a situation. (Perhaps we could get Lou Dobbs to come along as well?)

Given our sincere attempts to steer clear of politician-bashing, it is with some embarrassment that we, the crack young staff of "The Hatemonger's Quarterly," announce that we are beginning to despise Barack Obama.

Now, don't get us wrong, dear reader: We don't hate Sen. Obama for any of the reasons proferred by the knuckle-draggers--he's a Muslim; he's half-black; he's half-white; he's a terrorist; he used to work at CVS; that he esteems Paula Abdul; &c. In addition, unlike the (Ir)Rev. Jesse Jackson, we don't aim to castrate the man.

Still, there is something about Sen. Obama that just rankles.

And we think we know what it is: According to the smart set, Sen. Obama has become "cool." He's been on the receiving end of more puff pieces than the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Rock stars; public intellectuals; Kennedys (living and deceased); the Dell guy--everyone loves him.

Ah, but not us. We, the crack young staff of "The Hatemonger's Quarterly," hate to say it, but we despise anyone that everyone else esteems. The minute someone becomes cool is the minute we grow really wary.

So, we're sick of all the "Yes, We Can," "Change You Can Believe In" garbage. We think it's the left-wing equivalent of President Bush's "compassionate conservatism" mumbo-jumbo. In other words, it's bunk.

We could be wrong, of course, but we think Sen. Obama positively reeks of Jimmy Carter. (Who, of course, himself smells of peanuts and hummus. Oh, and Jew-hatred.) And we want to tell this to you now: Barack Hussein Obama ain't that great.

In a few years, when you finally realize that Sen. Obama is not, in fact, the Secular Jesus, you can remember that We Told You So.