We Heard a Rumor

Before we get underway with today’s inspired animadversion, we ought to note that the headline for said musing is most decidedly not a reference to a feculent song by a feculent pop outfit called Bananarama. As such, you, dear reader, may continue to absorb our opinions, free from the worry that we shall plague you with un-hip references to lame 1980s rock-n-rollers.

(Incidentally, we need to inform you that our humble spellchecker does not recognize the word “Bananarama,” which, we think, amounts to one of the greatest arguments in favor of the continued flourishing of Western culture that we have happened upon in some time. Our humble spellchecker does, however, recognize the word “spellchecker,” which we find entirely apt.)

Far from offering some meanderings in the world of the lowbrow, today’s humble “post” aims to discuss a far more pertinent matter: The candidacy of one Barack Obama (D-Change) for the presidency of these here United States of America. You see, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been away from the e-hustle and e-bustle of Al Gore’s Internet. As regular readers of our lucubrations well know, we haven’t been “posting” with great frequency. Hence you can count all our readers on no fingers.

Part and parcel of our recent avoidance of Al Gore’s World-Wide Web has been our failure to keep up with the current presidential campaign. As a result, upon returning from our dungeon to the world of the living, we are often shocked by headlines we missed. Did anyone hear, for example, that Mike Gravel (D-Insane Asylum) didn’t get the Democratic nomination? Man, that’s a real surprise.

Given our current (if not omnipresent) ignorance, we have decided to ask a few pertinent questions of our readers. Have you heard that Barack Obama is a Muslim? Is his real name Barry Hussein Obama? Or words to that effect? Is he friends with some fellow who is an unrepentant meteorologist?

As insane as these rumors might sound, we’ve recently heard them kicking around. It’s important to get to the bottom of these matters. After all, erroneously claiming that Barack Obama is a member of the Religion of Peace is an odious slander, designed to drive a wedge of fear (and cake) through the benighted, God-fearing American citizen.

Let us hope that the evil Republicans (pardon the pleonasm) don’t present such scurrilous rumors as this year’s version of Swift Boating. Yes, Sen. Obama’s middle name may seem strikingly like the surname of a certain deceased Iraqi dictator. And, yes, Sen. Obama’s pastor of some 20 years may despise white people. And, yes, Sen. Obama may be Hamas’ favorite American politician, save Jimmy “Nobel Piece of Israel Prize” Carter.

But, by Hercules, that is not reason to disassociate oneself from Sen. Obama’s campaign. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” shall vote on far more important matters. Like military service. After all, our Democratic pals made much of John Kerry’s distinguished martial history, unlike that of our semi-draft-dodging Doofus-in-Chief.

If Sen. Barack Osama Obamaa—the distinguished imam, hater of “whitey,” devotee of weathermen, and member of Hamas—fought in ‘Nam, we’re ready to pull the lever for him.