When Pigs Fly: The Vehicular Edition

One of the senior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—saw the oddest thing the other day. It was so peculiar, in fact, that we have decided to share it with you in today’s humble “post.” We know what you’re thinking, dear reader: It must be very strange indeed.

And it sure is. A few short days ago, “Chip” found himself at the wheel of his gray Honda Civic. (Nope: That wasn’t the strange bit.) Whilst traveling down the local highway, “Chip” spied something he had never seen before.

Frankly, we have the sneaking suspicion that you won’t believe “Chip” when we tell you what it is. But we’ll inform you nevertheless. We’re kind of nice like that.

Simply put, “Chip” saw a BMW on the highway that was—get this!—driving at a normal speed. What’s more, the driver of said BMW wasn’t obnoxiously swerving into different lanes, passing his fellow motorists in supremely dangerous style. Nope: This BMW-driver wasn’t even riding in the breakdown lane or anything.

In short, “Chip” saw a BMW-driver who wasn’t a complete jerk.

Hard to believe, isn’t it? We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have remarked in the past on the strange character of those who own BMWs. We’re not sure if it’s a German car thing or a rich, entitled snob thing. Perhaps a bit of both.

Still, in all of our collective lives, we’ve never previously laid eyes on a BMW that wasn’t being driven by someone who’s clearly an obnoxious moron. And, we hasten to add, we’ve seen our fair share of BMWs in the past.

Accordingly, the sight of a mild-mannered BMW-driver quite shocked “Chip.” After all, as far as he was concerned, the BMW owner’s manual begins with the following sentiments:

Thank you, complete jerk, for purchasing a BMW. Frankly, we kind of figured that you’d buy a BMW anyway. When you walked into the dealership, we could tell you were a Grade-A ass.

And now, thanks to our German engineering, you can drive like a self-obsessed moron who totally lacks regard for anyone’s safety. Hey: Let people in Honda Civics and Toyotas drive with care; they can’t afford to be reckless, right?

After viewing a well-driven BMW for the first time in his life, “Chip” could only think one thing: Who stole that BMW? Obviously, that wasn’t the car’s self-possessed owner.