A Sure Sign of Evil

Many readers of this humble “weblog” are undoubtedly wondering about our Official Crack Young Staff Vacation, which we recently enjoyed. (During which time, of course, you were delighted by the e-fireworks of the great Maximum Leader.) As you might imagine, dear reader, we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, taking in all kinds of barbeque, condiments, and defibrillators.

Even so, during our trips to the local campgrounds, we did notice something that slightly sullied our otherwise delicious week off. Pardon us if we are wrong, but it appears to us as if numerous drivers in these here United States are horrible. For a variety of reasons, sundry operators of motor vehicles figuratively (if not literally) bite the big one.

In short, they suck. In long, they clearly demonstrate an appallingly low aptitude in the area of motor vehicle operation.

As bad as many drivers may be, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” actually noted that a particular sliver of them is actually worse than usual. In fact, these fellows and gentle ladies are so wretched that we’re inclined to go to great lengths to avoid them on the road.

And to whom, you may be asking yourself, do we refer? The drivers of BMWs. If you ask us—and, technically speaking, you did not—the BMW is a sure sign of evil. Just as the Trans-Am is a sure sign of white trash.

Now, although our conclusions about the BMW may occasion consternation among German automobile devotees who esteem “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” we must say that we don’t find them very odd. After all, the folks at BMW previously did their best to aid the Nazi war effort. Let’s just say it’s not a surprise that it’s the vehicle of choice for numerous pinheads.

Naturally, we have only anecdotal evidence to support our contention. But we think we have oodles of it.

On our trips, we found that, darn near every time a driver made an aggressive, dimwitted move at the wheel, the driver of that vehicle was likely behind the wheels of a BMW. Almost without fail, the BMW was the car of the jerk.

Of course, the American driver is likely to encounter plenty of non-BMW jerks in the course of his travels. Some may even drive Jaguars or Fiats. Plenty of Jaguars, we’d wager.

But BMWers are the worst. Hands down. If we were highway cops—and we’re not officially—we’d pull people over merely for operating a BMW. After all, BMW drivers are clearly up to no good: How do you think they got the cash to afford a BMW in the first place?

(Note: The crack young staff does not wish to offend drivers of BMWs. If you actually own a BMW, suffice it to say that you are the lone exception to the rule that BMW drivers are a sorry lot of aggressive dipsticks.)