The Last Refuge of…Everyone

Those who follow current events in these here United States of America undoubtedly recognize that certain political arguments reappear with irksome regularity. For instance, our beloved friends on the Left love to bring out the “chickenhawk” argument any time our country engages in a military conflict that isn’t to their liking.

As such, to our left-wing pals, you’re a “chickenhawk” if you are a non-veteran who supports the Iraq War, but magically you’re not a “chickenhawk” if you are a non-veteran who supported the Kossovo War. Makes sense, eh?

But, of all the myriad recurring arguments in American political discourse, our least favorite amounts to any example of the patriotism charge. In fact, with the presidential election continuing full-steam, the very word “patriotism” sends shivers down our spines. It’s kind of like when we hear the ominous phrase “Billy Joel.”

You know the patriotism argument, dear reader. It’s used by all sides of the political spectrum. And, to be downright honest, it’s more likely to be implied reflexively than charged outright.

Every once in a great while, some hayseed may actually charge that, say, those who deplore the American invasion of Iraq are un-patriotic. This, of course, is standard recourse to the patriotism argument.

More often, however, one brings up the patriotism charge in a more cunning and less direct fashion. For instance, one could claim that one’s opponents charge one of un-patriotic sentiment for opposing the American invasion of Iraq—even though no one has really done so.

This, we think, is the chief use of the patriotism charge—erroneously charging others with casting oneself as un-patriotic. Hence one sees ridiculous bumper stickers (pardon the redundancy) with slogans such as “Dissent Is Patriotic” and “Peace Is Patriotic.” The idea, of course, is that others disagree and are casting aspersions in your general direction—even though they’re not, and you brought up the patriotism argument yourself.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” collectively say: Enough. Enough of the stupid recourse to dimwitted concerns about patriotism. We’re simply sick and tired (in that order) of people playing the patriotism card. Doesn’t anyone play the race card anymore?

So, for the purposes of our sanity, we’re fully willing to assert that everybody is patriotic. Every last one of us. Even if you’re an illegal immigrant with love for Al Qaeda, you love America. Land of the brave, and so forth.

If you think Scott Thomas Beauchamp’s dubious stories about his experiences in Kuwait are fantastic, you’re a patriot. If you love Yearly Kos activists shouting down servicemen, you’re a patriot. Even if you’re an inveterate “chickenhawk,” you’re a patriot.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, can we move on to more substantial arguments? You know, like John Edwards’ haircuts?