Virgin Territory

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” naturally consider ourselves intellectuals. After all, we run one of the most thought-provoking “websites” on Al Gore’s Internet—of course we’re deep thinkers.

Accordingly, dear reader, the humble headquarters of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” receives all sorts of serious periodicals: Social Text; New Left Review; Cracked; Black Hair Care; &c. But one particular journal seems head and shoulders above the rest in its intellectual content.

We refer, of course, to Seventeen magazine. Perhaps, dear reader, you are unaware of Seventeen. If so, there’s a darn good chance that you fail to pepper each of your sentences with umpteen “likes” and “you knows.” And that is, like, so, like, lame.

In essence, Seventeen purports to be aimed at seventeen-year-old girls. In reality, the magazine chiefly attracts so-called “tween” girls, since seventeen-year-olds have already outgrown Seventeen in favor of Cosmo or The Anorexic Weekly.

Regardless, like any girl’s fashion magazine, Seventeen focuses on the higher things in life. If by “higher things in life” you mean shopping, flirting, and encouraging bulimia. And we certainly do.

Anyway, one of the distaff staffers here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call her “Chip”—spied a particularly interesting survey found in the pages of the August 2007 number of Seventeen. Found on page 126 of said issue—and not available on the World-Wide Web—this survey is titled “Are You Sure You’re Still a Virgin?”

Well, gee: Last we checked. But thanks for asking.

Along with the survey results comes the following helpful information:

Not everyone agrees on what it means to “lose it,” so we teamed up with Sexetc.org to survey nearly 15,000 of you on your definition.

We know what you’re thinking, dear reader: “What were the results? We’ll just die if we don’t’ get to know what it means to ‘lose it.’” Well, here are a few percentages pertaining to the question “What makes you not a virgin?”

According to the aforementioned teens surveyed, 29% believe that giving or receiving oral sex disqualifies you from virgin status. No wonder President Clinton proved so popular with the younger crowd. Given this low percentage, we’re curious how many teens know what the definition of “is” is—another Clinton specialty.

76% of the teens believed that one is no longer a virgin if “a penis enters your vagina at all.” More interestingly, 99% believe that one cannot claim to be a virgin if you have experienced “vaginal intercourse with ejaculation.”

Uh, only 99%? Does this mean that 1% of the teens surveyed have no clue what the word “virgin” means? Or is 1% of the sample severely retarded? (Both strike us as reasonable propositions.)

Perhaps these benighted teens believe that you’re still a virgin until you sleep with Charlie Sheen. If so, we’d wager that roughly 30% of the girls surveyed are still virgins.