“The Last Refuge of a

“The Last Refuge of a Scoundrel”: A Do-It-Yourself Quiz

It seems to us, in fact, that the number of complaints about charges of insufficient patriotic fervor far outnumber the actual charges of insufficient patriotic fervor. But, to be fair, we don’t read the oeuvre of Ann Coulter, so our friends on the Left may be pointing their fingers at her. Last we checked, she thought everyone but John Wayne was guilty of treason.

Still, if we were betting men and girls, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” would wager that the fear of being tarred and feathered as unpatriotic is, at very least, highly exaggerated.

As a result, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have devised a helpful do-it-yourself quiz, which is designed to inform the American reader whether he is sufficiently jingoistic. If he isn’t, we suggest he get the heck out of our great nation. The pinko commie. If you have a few moments to spare, dear reader, take the following examination by circling your answers on your computer screen by means of the extremely scarce number three pencil.

“The Last Refuge of a Scoundrel”: A Do-It-Yourself Quiz Devised by the Testing Department of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”:

1. A Frenchman approaches you, and tells you that America has become an imperialistic hyper-power. In response, you:

[A]: Politely inform him that you heartily agree, and suggest that America follow the great French tradition of anti-imperialism (Morocco, Tunisia, Algeria, French West Africa, French Equatorial Africa, Napoleon, French Indo-China, &c.).
[B]: Politely inform him that any country enraptured by Jerry Lewis and Mickey Rourke would do best to keep its opinions to itself.
[C]: Politely inform him that your favorite Frenchman in history was Robespierre.

2. A Canadian approaches you, and tells you that American popular culture is a pernicious influence on the world. In response, you:

[A]: Hastily inform him that you heartily agree, and suggest that the world would be a far better place if more Rick Moranis movies were in international circulation.
[B]: Hastily inform him that Canadians are responsible for such blights as Loverboy and Bryan Adams. As such, until they produce a few more Oscar Petersons, they ought to keep their opinions to themselves.
[C]: Hastily inform him that Canada’s opinion on world affairs is about as important as Heather Locklear’s on the poetry of Ezra Pound.

3. A German fellow approaches you, and tells you that America needs to curb its overweening attempts at world-wide hegemony. In response, you:

[A]: Blithely inform him that you heartily agree, and suggest that America follow the great German tradition of contempt for power.
[B]: Blithely inform him that German tips on foreign policy should have as much clout as dating tips from John Bobbit.
[C]: Blithely inform him that he is German.

Now that you’ve taken the quiz, dear reader, you can see how you’ve done:

If you’ve answered [C] for every question, then you are as American as apple pie, hamburgers, and pornography. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hope that God-fearing patriots such as you continue to live long, prosper, and keep reading The American Conservative. After all, it’s hard to top the nationalistic passion of such ardent American patriots as Taki Theodoracopoulos.

If you’ve answered [B] for every question, then you are provisionally accepted as a resident of the United States of America. The Feds, however, will be watching you, you dirty hippy.

If you’ve answered [A] for every question, get the heck out of our country! We don’t need the likes of you around. And take your subscriptions to The Nation and The New Left Review with you! We humbly suggest you take up residence in a country of which you are fonder, like North Korea. Your vigorous displays of dissent will surely be welcome there.

If you’ve answered a combination of [C], [B], and [A], you are really making things hard for us. Look, man, we weren’t math majors, okay? So figure out what you want to do on your own. May we recommend, however, that you wipe that smarmy smile off your face? And go clean up your room. And stop tracking mud across our clean kitchen floors.