Three Is a Magic Number, or Hooray for Us

Ah, the big, big day. It’s finally here. After waiting longer than a black guy at Denny’s, we have finally see our preternatural patience pay off.

If you don’t already know the news, dear reader, shame on you. Under what rock have you been living?

After all, today marks our resplendent three-year anniversary on Al Gore’s World-Wide Web. One serendipitous day in late March of 2004 (’04, we call it), we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” began this humble e-outfit. And the rest, as the women’s studies majors say, is herstory.

Oh, what a time it’s been. Just think of all the crazy high jinks we’ve pulled during our comparatively longish stint on the ole’ Internet. Just think of how many times we’ve used the words “high jinks.” It makes one positively misty-eyed, does it not?

Yeah, it’s been quite a run. We’ve unintelligently feuded with other unintelligent “webloggers.” We’ve strong-armed Glenn Reynolds into “linking” to our sordid musings. We’ve questioned the patriotism of tons and tons of our fellow Americans.

Heck, we’ve even done our part to change our Christian-centric calendar: Instead of the disgracefully un-ecumenical markers BC and AD, we’ve supported DBBNVSHL (The Days Before Bridget Newman’s Vagina Shaped Her Life) and DABNVSHL (The Days After Bridget Newman’s Vagina Shaped Her Life). A bit more longwinded, perhaps, but far less partisan.

And we’ve also stuck it to countless academic buffoons: Dana “Free Speech for Me But Not for Thee” Cloud and some weirdo called Medical Marijuana Barbie, to name but a few. Let’s not forget, furthermore, some of our less lasting ideas: A “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Advice Column, for instance. Perhaps we’ll have to restart that one.

Yes, sir: It’s been once gigantic slice of heaven with a dab of low-fat whipped cream. For good reason, then, our crack young interns are soon to set up the accoutrements for one killer office party. Our deep-pocketed financial backers must be proud.

And what can you, the humble reader of our glorious musings, expect in the upcoming fourth year of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”? First, more rhetorical questions. Second, more listings of things in order. Third, more listing of things in order. Fourth, more repetition.

Yet you should also expect a Fourth-Annual Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition. And you’ll want to hang on tight for our Fourth-Annual Week of Loathing (which should begin any day now). In addition, you won’t want to miss out on the details of our bitchin’ Third Anniversary Party.

Further, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” want to stress that you’ll enjoy all these and sundry other delights for the same low price you’ve paid for years one through three. Sure, the cost of everything else might go up, but not our charming animadversions.

Yeah, we’re pretty good to you. And you’re pretty good to us too—reading our vapid effusions all these years. Oh, just think of all the mindless palaver to look forward to in the year to come. You lucky devil.