May 27, 2004
Introducing “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Advice
Introducing “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Advice Column
A few weeks ago, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” announced our new “Things that Are Pretty Good” series, which aimed at highlighting some of the little pleasantries that make life as we know it an incessant joy. Our more diligent readers, however, should note that this “series” has thus far only amounted to one item; quite frankly, our staff could only come up with a single phenomenon that was an obvious delight.Accordingly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have been reduced to our usual caterwauling and maligning. We fear, in fact, that we have become exactly the sorts of folk Spiro Agnew had in mind when he inveighed against the “nattering nabobs of negativism.” Except Vice President Agnew probably didn’t think skeptical commentary on urine therapy was a grave problem. And, come to think of it, we aren’t really nabobs.
Nabobs or not, however, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are determined to use our Internet soapbox for more than petty caviling. Accordingly, for the past few days the official Ideas Department of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has been pondering a way to grant our humble “weblog” a rosier outlook.
Unfortunately, after literally minutes of virtually uninterrupted meditation, our Ideas Department came up empty. Actually, it was only capable of offering a list of future targets of obloquy (talk about a one trick pony!).
Seemingly unable to hatch an idea that would make “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” a tad more chipper, we did what anyone else would do: We hit up the janitor for some suggestions. “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Janitor, in fact. And, boy, did he have a good idea.
Without further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” cordially announce:
“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Advice Column (as devised by our Official Janitor)
We all, dear reader, have our share of problems from time to time. Some of us routinely commit peccadilloes. Others are short-tempered. If advertisements on television are accurate, pretty much every American male is impotent. In addition, some of us like Phil Collins.
As a result, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” want to provide the general public with the sagely advice of our sage team of experts. It’ll be just like those “Dear Mary” columns found at the back of The (London) Spectator—except our correspondents will address their missives “Dear Crack Young Staff.”
We know what you are thinking, dear reader: How can someone as completely insignificant as I obtain the precious guidance of the crack young staff? Before we answer that, may we suggest that you suffer from low self-esteem? See: We are helping already.
To ask for counsel, all you must do is click on the “Contact Us” link at the top right-hand corner of your computer screen and send us a query. We’ll even disguise your name if you prefer. In fact, we’ll concoct an elaborate nom de plume for you, with which you might start a second career as a dime-store novelist. You know, a name like “Forrester Grantwich,” or “Heath Ridgeway,” or “Tip O’Neill.”
In future posts, we’ll highlight a few of these queries and offer our advice to our readership, so that we can all steer our ships through the turbulent seas of life with greater ease. We must request, however, that you don’t ask niggling etiquette questions: Our staff has no idea which one is the salad fork, and we don’t care if you call your mother-in-law “an old coot.”
All other topics are welcome, however, and will receive the careful attention of our newly formed official Advice Department of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly.” And, unlike the old coots at “The New York Times,” we shall make sure to get back to each and every member of our readership who seeks our consultation. No matter is too trivial, no subject is too intricate.
In fact, we’ll even offer some sample questions:
Dear Crack Young Staff…
1) My school chums consistently shove me into lockers and taunt me with epithets such as “fruity-cake” and “Terry McAullife.” How can I restore my dignity?
2) I have a great fear of my neighbor’s pet llama. How can I get good credit?
3) How can Barry Manilow survive without copious amounts of government funding? And what kind of cruel world do we inhabit—a world in which Mr. Manilow can rake in squillions but serious artists must live in penury?
Well, dear reader, there you have it: The official Advice Column of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly.” We earnestly hope you’ll send us a query, because we intend to use our Internet powers for good. Just like Whitney Houston, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” believe that “children are the future.” Or whatever.
