Where Were You When We Changed the E-World?

Soon enough, dear reader, the glorious day will be upon us. As everyone hip to Al Gore’s Internet undoubtedly recognizes, March 31, 2004 is a monumental day in the history of Western civilization. Nay: It is a monumental day in civilization. Period. (Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Hammurabi.)

For, during that portentous 24-hour period, “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” was born. Ah, yes: It is hard to recall what your life was like before this humble “weblog” was up and running, isn’t it?

You needn’t be too much of a clock-watcher, moreover, to recognize that our third e-anniversary is coming apace. That’s right: In a few short weeks, this humble e-outfit will be one full year older. And, as if that weren’t enough, soon we’ll break the 250,000 hits mark.

Boy, it’s times like these that make you feel like Michael Jordan. And by that we mean bald.

Naturally, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” won’t let this milestone pass without copious celebration. As is our wont, each year we make the most out of our anniversary by throwing a wild soiree. It’s pretty much the e-party of the year (and, no, you can’t get any “e” there—you repellent druggies). Vanity Fair, eat your heart out.

As you might well imagine, dear reader, the crème de la crème of Al Gore’s World-Wide Web will be present. We don’t cater to lesser lights such as Glenn Reynolds or Arianna Huffington. No: Only the real bigwigs can attend. Like the guy who writes a “weblog” that pertains only to monkeys. Now that’s classy.

You may wonder, dear reader, exactly how we became such savvy Internet superstars. How did the preternaturally talented crack young staff turn out to be the proverbial toast of the proverbial town? Was it their preternatural talent? Or did that merely serve as a hindrance?

Good questions, those. It’s not terribly surprising—given our nearly three full years in the “weblogging” racket—that you’d wonder about (to quote some horrid Michael J. Fox movie or other) the Secret of Our Success.

Frankly, though, it’s tough to put a finger on. In this respect, at least, it’s very different from Paris Hilton’s genitals.

Still, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can think of a few tricks of the trade. We don’t want to give away all our secrets, but we figure that—in a spirit of e-comity—we can lay a couple of pearls of wisdom on you.

How about the following?

1) Write “posts” more than once every three months. It turns out that, if your last “post” was composed in 1845 and pertains to an upcoming gold rush in California, readers will eventually give up on you. It’s sad, but it’s true.

2) Try your best to get over e-grudges. Sure, you may have fought years ago with some dolt running a pathetic “weblog” called Sullywatch. But don’t stoop to the level of mentioning how horrid his vapid scribblings are after such a long pause. Even if his rancid detritus is sullying the Internet. It just makes you look a bit lame.

Well, dear reader, there you have it: A couple of brilliant tips from the crack young staff. With such insightful sentiments brewing around “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” headquarters, no wonder this fine e-outfit has lasted so darn long.