Cable News: Enough Already!

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have oft remarked on the irksome incessantness of the 24-hour cable news networks. As the presidential election nears, they will undoubtedly become even more annoying.

Certainly, disdain for these outfits and the blown-dry nitwits who pontificate on them is a well-worn theme on this humble “weblog.” Why, if we recall correctly (and we believe we do), we’ve already excoriated a gaggle of cable news folks: Chris Matthews, Charlie Rose, Craig Crawford, et al.

And yet, and yet, and yet. We never seem to tire of trashing these pests, chiefly because these pests never seem to disappear.

In fact, we have a hunch that the disappearance of one cable news buffoon only makes life worse—since he’s inevitably replaced by an even more odious twit. To wit, Phil Donahue left the airwaves—but this merely made room for Keith Olbermannn, a fellow who even annoyed us when he was confined to discussing sporting events.

Accordingly, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have decided to vent our frustrations again. That’s right: Susan Estrich and Bill O’Reilly aren’t safe today, because we aim to pounce on those media types anew.

Let us start with the beady-eyed nincompoop Joe Scarborough. In our estimation, this ex-Congressman has made one of the more amazing transformations in recent television history: From a completely enraging imbecile to a completely enraging imbecile. Even though his political views have changed, his level of political acumen remains unwaveringly low. It’s like he’s the Arianna Huffington of the non-“weblogosphere.”

And let’s not forget Chris Matthews. We’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: This guy is a low-rent carnival barker. We wouldn’t buy a used car from this chucklehead, let alone take political advice from him. Chris Matthews’ existence speaks highly for a Nobel Prize being awarded to the fellow who invented the mute button.

How about Mort Kondracke? We must admit, dear reader, that we almost always find him sensible—we quite esteem his moderate-Right politics. But the guy can’t seem to spit out a sentence, for crying out loud! Wouldn’t you think that an inability to speak English would disqualify you from a job as a TV pundit? Well, apparently not.

But perhaps the most appalling is Lou Dobbs. We’re not entirely sure where we stand on the issue of illegal immigration. But we’re certain that we want Lou Dobbs’ job to be outsourced—immediately.