Craig Crawford

Usually, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” dilate on serious issues of the day: The idiocy of Jimmy Carter; the horrid political proselytizing in which some academics engage in the classroom; posterior penmanship. As a result, we figured that—just this once—we could discuss a rather nugatory subject.

Accordingly, in today’s humble “post,” we’re not taking aim at some sort of heavy hitter or other. Nor are we waxing upset about the mad mullahs of Iran. No, sir: On the contrary, we’re going to hurl insults at a fellow who, while insignificant, has irked us for a long, long time. In case for some reason you didn’t read the title of today’s rumination, we’ll inform you of the object of our obloquy: Craig Crawford.

We know what you’re going to say: Who’s Craig Crawford? Wasn’t he in my high school gym class? Well, perhaps, though probably not. Most likely you’re thinking about another guy with the same name.

Maybe this little description of Mr. Crawford will jog your memory. Simply put, Craig Crawford is amongst the most irritating of an outrageously irritating bunch: Television pundits. We know what you’re going to say: Anyone who’s more odious than, say, Susan Estrich must be mighty upsetting.

And mighty upsetting the preening Craig Crawford undoubtedly is. First, this doofus routinely appears on Keith Olbermann’s low-rated propaganda blitz, serving as the willing foil for Olbermann’s pathetically leading questions. In essence, he’s a television yes-man.

Whether it’s to rip on the President or to rip on the President, you can be darn sure that Craig Crawford of the studiously un-read Congressional Quarterly will be sullying the airwaves at a station near you.

Naturally, on its own right, this doesn’t make Mr. Crawford particularly tedious. The world, of course, is full of self-impressed Bush-hating pundits.

Still, something about Mr. Crawford particularly irks. Perhaps it’s his lazy Kentucky-cum-Florida drawl, which would even piss off Colonel Sanders. Maybe it’s his pretensions to humorousness, which beautifully demonstrate his reality-challenged narcissism. Or perhaps it’s his lame “weblog,” which appears to exist merely to inform his fan(s) of his next great “Scarborough Country” appearance. Yeah, we wouldn’t miss that for the world.

For whatever reason, Craig Crawford is enragingly tiresome. He’s the kind of guy that makes one think twice about criticizing Hugo Chavez for shutting down television stations. Free media may be wondrous, but they can’t all be good—any outlet for Craig Crawford must be at least partially evil.