Introducing the Third Annual “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition!

Well, dear reader, one of the most exciting times in the year has finally arrived. No, not income tax day, although, if you use H&R Block, you’re liable to save some money the old fashioned way—tax evasion.

Rather, today marks the official announcement of our most popular and long lived e-contest: The Third Annual “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition. (The announcement of previous years’ winners can be found here and here.) This competition allows you, dear reader, to take on the role of a moronic college sophomore (if you will pardon the redundancy) and send in an example of the most naïve, inept balladry you can imagine.

Once again, our Official Contest Judge is a poet of the ages: Anonymous. Throughout a preternaturally long career, Anonymous has crafted some of the most beloved poems known to the world. And he will be carefully examining our entries, hunting for all the telltale signs of pathetic collegiate doggerel: Ghastly clichés; predictably utopian politics; clunky non-rhythms; misspellings; irksome tones of all-knowingness. Points will be deducted for the proper use of meter, alliteration, and other signs of poetic competence.

The closer your poem is to the mindless pap to be found in an undergraduate literary magazine, the more likely you are to take home the prize. And what, you may be asking yourself, is the prize? Why, it’s fantastic: The glorious publication of your magnum opus on our humble “website,” with plentiful accolades from the crack young staff.

In order to demonstrate the sort of poem we might receive as an entry, one of the junior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—decided to pen his own piece of error-ridden, execrable juvenilia. He calls it “Peace Is Not War.”

Peace Is Not War by “Chip”

In these days of modern times
Where wars are waged for the rich
And Amerika goes on a violent crusade for “freedom”

Peace is not war.
War is not peace.
They are very different.

Pretty good, is it not? Well, to be honest, it ain’t that great, but it serves as an example of the kind of dross we hope to receive.

Entries must be received by 5:00 EDT on May 3rd, 2006. To enter, simply click the “Contact Us” “link” at the top right-hand corner of your computer screen. We, unlike Poetry magazine, relish receiving your contemptible poesy. So write up a wondrous example of horrid verse, and send it in to us soon.