The Third Annual Week of Loathing (Day the Fifth): Donny Deutsch

Sadly, today brings the last installment of our Third Annual Week of Loathing. Dear, oh, dear, how the time flies: We can almost remember what it was like on Monday. It feels as if it were such a short time ago.

Since it’s the final day of our much-heralded series, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” figured we’d take aim at a really impressive target. You know, something lofty: The depredations associated with globalization; genocide; Jimmy Carter. But, try as we might, we couldn’t come up with anything really special.

Whilst enjoying a break from our intense cogitation, a few members of the crack young staff—let’s just call them “Chip”—took in a little television. Right before their little eyes, dear reader, a perfect object of scorn appeared—a fellow who never garnered much of their attention in the past. But this character was so noxious, so irksome that he well nigh cried out for a good drubbing.

Who is this irritant? Well, for those of you who mysteriously skipped the title of this “post,” we’ll repeat ourselves: Donny Deutsch. He’s the smug host of an apparently unwatched program on CNBC (sorry for the redundancy). It’s uproariously ill suited title is “The Big Idea.” And though we previously never gave a second thought to him or his show, we can now attest to the fact that he’s an ostentatious boob.

For those of you blissfully unaware of Mr. Deutsch, allow us to fill in a few details. A Wharton graduate, the middle-aged Deutsch has led an extremely successful career in the world of advertising. He has done so, it appears, in part by being even smarmier and brasher than other advertising executives. And that, friends, is saying something.

Naturally, the extremely successful, self-important ad-man is a humanoid that any reasonable person avoids at all cost. As such, you will not be surprised to learn that Mr. Deutsch is a good friend of Donald Trump. Think of them as America’s answer to Hitler and Goebbels.

As if the mere existence of Mr. Deutsch weren’t sufficiently bothersome, this fellow had to make things worse by magically acquiring his own current affairs television program. And, boy, it’s a train wreck—even by the miserably low standards of MSNBC.

Why does it deserve such low marks? Well, dear reader, we’re glad we made you ask. First, the very countenance of Mr. Deutsch should trouble the ordinary viewer. We’re not doctors, but we think Deutsch has the telltale look of a man who’s spent all kinds of time at the plastic surgeon’s office. Hair, face, body—all of Mr. Deutsch appears to have been worked on in order to make him look more natural with his trophy wife. And, of course, he likes to dress in a faux-hip style that ill suits a man of his age.

But let’s not trouble ourselves about his appearance. It’s Mr. Deutsch’s demeanor and opinions that so enrage.

Even the casual viewer of his program can attest to the fact that his grasp of contemporary politics is a shade less impressive than that of the average street lamp. Simply put, this guy’s an ignoramus.

Yet Mr. Deutsch, despite his obvious lapse in knowledge, acts as if he’s a certifiable genius. Donny Deutsch clearly believes that his success in advertising has made him the world’s leading expert on…everything.

Need advice on the morality of abortion? Ask the advertising guru! Require some help understanding Plato’s view of the soul? Donny Deutsch is your man!

As a result of his bizarre intellectual confidence, Mr. Deutsch comes across as a humungous jerk on his show: He routinely browbeats guests, brashly flaunts his ridiculous opinions, &c.

In fact, this panjandrum is so awful that we have the sneaking suspicion that the folks at CNBC gave his program a joke name: “The Big Idea.” This guy’s got no ideas. Or, at least, no ideas past how to market widgets.

Calling his show “The Big Idea” is like labeling its viewers “The Big Audience.” Yeah, big as in “about three people.”