Announcing the Fifth Annual “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition

Despite all our differences—black and white; young and old; Obama-supporting and sane—one thing binds us together: We all despise college students. And rightfully so, we must add. After all, is anything more annoying than the appalling illiteracy of these self-indulgent, lazy proto-drunkards? We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” collectively think not.

But there is one way you can get back at these obnoxious upper-middle-class acquaintance rapists. You can tease them ceaselessly by composing your own execrable verse in the style of inept collegiate balladry. That is to say, dear reader, you can write a poem in the pathetic manner of today’s self-important college student.

To aid you on your quest to get even with those pertinacious tyros, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” officially announce the fifth iteration of our popular (and infamous) contest: The “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition.

Always a highlight of our (increasingly vestigial) “weblog’s” e-year, the Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition is a real gas: It allows everyone to provide a vicious parody of the politically menacing inept blather favored by our nation’s young adults. And nothing—and we mean nothing—matches lame college poetry in its ability to delight: Vapid clichés; tin-eared doggerel; grammatical mishaps; noxious political hectoring.

What’s not to enjoy? So, dear reader, we formally implore you to send us a submission of some wretched verse, composed in the manner of the functionally illiterate college student. (To get a sense of what’s worked well in the past, check out previous winning entries here, here, here, and here.)

Now, you still may not have a good idea of the kind of pathetic pseudo-verse we exhort you to submit. As such, we have written our own poem, which we have pretentiously titled “We Are All Muslims Now.”

We Are All Muslims Now by the Crack Young Staff of THMQ
Amerika is the raping of Gitmo.
Amerika is the killing of brown people.
Amerika is the Wal-Mart of sexism.
Amerika is the lynching of freedom.

But what Amerika—prostrate to the higher dollar—doesn’t realize is:
We Are All Muslims Now.
We are all al Qaida.
We are all Anne Frank.
We are all Heath Ledger.
We Are All Muslims Now.

Pretty awful, is it not? Do you think you can do better? We collectively bet you can.

Just to make things clear, we’re asking for disastrously terrible verse in the juvenile style of the typical college goon. Misspellings are a plus, as is an irksome all-knowing tone. And grammatical errors? Those earn you double points. Any examples of good taste or style will disqualify your entry.

The winners, dear reader, will have the distinct honor of full publication in “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” with lots of lauds from the crack young staff. Your neighbors will be jealous. Men will want to be you, and women will want to be with you. Or the reverse, if you’re of the feminine persuasion.

So, you ask, what are the official contest rules? They are as follows. All entries must be submitted by 5:00pm EST on May 10, 2008. Contestants need not be college students. Contestants need not detest college students, but it will probably help. Meter, coherence, assonance, and displays of real talent are to be avoided.

All submissions will be read by our Official Contest Judge, Anonymous. In addition to being one of the most prolific poets of the ages, Anonymous has served as our arbiter of excellence since the very start of this humble competition.

So, dear reader, wait for the Inept College-Student Muse to inspire you, and send in your poem by clicking the “Contact Us” “link” at the top right-hand corner of your computer screen.

With a little luck, you may be the next Philip Larkin. Or, failing that, a pathetic college sophomore who incorrectly believes that he knows everything about foreign policy and can best express his deep learning in verse.