One Down, All the Others To Go

Thanks to the hard work of the level-headed folks at CNN, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have finally determined that there is one presidential candidate for whom we shall not plump. No matter how compelling his arguments about taxation and foreign policy may be, we just can’t vote for him.

Now, by referring to said candidate as “him,” you already recognize that we cannot be speaking about Sen. Hilary Rodham Clinton (D-Pants Suit), since she is—seemingly—female. Nor, we suppose, could we be referring to former Sen. John Edwards (D-Hair), for the selfsame reason.

And it’s true: Both Hilary and Johnny are still officially in the running. But Fred Thompson (R-Trophy Wife) can’t get our vote. No way, no how, as he might say in his folksy manner.

Why, you may reasonably wonder, can we not vote for former Sen. Thompson? He was awfully good on “Law and Order.” And he was pretty decent in a few two-star films as well. Heck, he’s a better actor than Ronald Reagan was, and the Gipper turned out to be a political success, eh?

Well, we wish it were that simple. But, not to put to fine a point on it, it isn’t.

You see, dear reader, the geniuses at CNN have just informed us of one important datum about ole’ Freddie that doesn’t sit well with us one bit. Fred Thompson (R-Aw Shucks) doesn’t have a hunting license.

Shock of all shocks! How could this happen? Fred Thompson looks like his mother wrapped him in Smith & Wesson diapers, for crying out loud. He’s the personification of an ammunition belt.

Yet it’s true. Fred sheepishly admitted it to CNN. And, as you might well imagine, no hunting license means no vote from the crack young staff.

As far as we’re concerned, if you don’t have a hunting license, we can’t trust you at all. Our president need only be a few things: American flag lovin’; snuff sniffin’; big game huntin’; chaw spittin’; and New Criterion readin’.

Is that too much to ask?