December 10, 2007
The End of the Semester as We Know It (and We Feel Fine)
Oh, its getting to be that time of the year, dear reader. You know what we mean: For countless undergraduate students at American colleges and universities, crunch time is soon upon us.
Yep, its final examination time, and our dipsomaniac collegians probably dont like it one bit. Its putting a cramp in their acquaintance rape schedule, which is a real downer.
We mean, come on: The poor parents of the college-aged child didnt very well pay thousands upon thousands of dollars for their little Johnny or Suzie to work, did they? The university life shouldnt be devoted to higher learning, should it?
Not as far as most undergrads are concerned, of course. Thus the typical sophomore is currently in something of a tizzy, since he simply cant fathom completing all the mounds and mounds of work that have piled high during the course of the semester. (He never bothered to do those mounds and mounds of work when they were actually due, of course, but thats another matter.)
Oh, the humanity! Little Steven has two five-page papers to write! How the heck is he going to manage that Herculean task?
Has anyone ever accomplished so much in such a short period of time? Sure, Truman Capote wrote In Cold Blood in something like two weeks, but that book isnt terribly long, was it?
Nope: As far as theyre concerned, no one in the history of the world is as busy as the typical undergrad at exam time. And, naturally, no one would dare trade places with him.
Its far better to be, say, a coal miner than a college student, after all. Hey: At least coal miners neednt write any papers. And they get those helmets with the lights on them, those lucky bastards.
So, parents, we urge you to treat your collegiate son or daughter with great kindness in the days ahead. Sure, you may have 80-plus hours of work to do a week, myriad financial commitments, and lots of annoying errands.
But, hey, you dont have a two-page history paper to write at the last minuteyou lucky, lazy jerks.
