The Best That Has Been Un-Thought and Un-Said

As you undoubtedly recognize, dear reader, lots and lots of Americans attend college. If you’re a card-carrying member of the upper-middle class, you’re pretty much obliged to head to a university. Fail to do so, and it’s safe to say that you’re the official black sheep of the family.

Accordingly, oodles and oodles of colleges and universities are positively chock-a-block with students. And not only fancy-pants schools such as Andover Tractor Trailer, which teaches you how to ride the big rigs. Nope: Even lesser esteemed liberal arts colleges pull in their fair share of undergraduates.

Naturally, this has amounted to the great democratization of the liberal arts. Thanks originally to the GI Bill (and GI Joe, that great American hero), such schools are not only the provenance of Cotton Mather-esque elites. Nowadays, any ole’ schlub can head to a liberal arts school, provided he’s willing to shell out lots and lots of cash.

This has led numerous parents to ask the quintessential question about the value of liberal arts education: What the hell are you going to do with that degree? Ah, if only Matthew Arnold could have phrased it so mellifluously.

Yes, yes, yes: As we all know, “liberal arts” is merely a fancy term for “pre-professional education.” And thus the typical knuckle-dragging soccer mom is quite right to wonder what sort of career her little Johnny or Suzie will embark on after her four years prostrate to the higher keg.

Well, wonder no longer. After literally minute of painstaking research, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have determined the best uses for a liberal arts education—given the current interests and talents of the typical undergraduate.

So, just take a gander at our exquisitely impressive list of employment opportunities, and wonder no longer about the great value of American higher education:

An Official List of Potential Employment Opportunities for the American Liberal Arts College Graduate as composed by the Crack Young Staff

1) Trust-fund baby

2) Dirty hippie

3) Alcoholic beverage taster

4) Illiterate hobo

5) Cheech or Chong

6) Acquaintance rapist

7) Squatter

Well, there you have it, dear reader: An intriguing panoply of job options for the typical liberal arts college graduate and his brown banana of a liver.