Tim McCarver

A wise man once said that timing is everything. We’re not sure if said wise man particularly referred to the “rhythm method” so popular—and effective—in Latin American countries, but his apothegm is helpful nevertheless.

And why not? We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can think of plenty of things that require good timing. Hand grenades, for one. Tennis, for another. The aforementioned rhythm method, for yet another.

We mention this, dear reader, because our timing (or e-timing, if you will) tends toward the impeccable. Without fail, we refer to people and events only when the American public no longer cares about them.

For instance, whilst everyone else is talking about, say, Britney Spears, we’re busy gabbing about Christopher Cross. Whatever happened to him? Nobody wants to know but we—or so it seems.

We make note of this unfortunate particularity, dear reader, because we have managed—as if by magic—to do it again. Yes, the topic for today’s demolition is already old news, since the baseball season is good and over.

Our “post,” therefore, will read much like a savage demolition of Sen. Paul Simon. Geez: Didn’t Cicero say something about speaking well of the dead? And why not rip on the musician Paul Simon instead? Clearly Garfunkle was the talent behind that operation. And his hair was far superior.

But we digress—and rather un-entertainingly, if we must say so ourselves. The topic of today’s serious lucubration is Tim McCarver, a baseball analyst for the Fox Television Network.

Perhaps, dear reader, you have caught a bit of the MLB playoffs. If so, congratulations: You’re a prol just like us. In addition, you should be doubly congratulated for enduring the scabrous nonsense dribbling from the mouth of Mr. McCarver, the color commentator from hell.

Now, don’t get us wrong. Although it seems easy, the ability to serve as a color commentator and not irritate the snot out of us appears to be the most difficult gig in all of professional sports. Have you ever heard Joe Morgan? That guy may have been a great player, but he’s a complete boob.

At least Joe Morgan is a genial guy, however. But not Tim McCarver, baseball broadcasting’s answer to Billy Packer. He’s incessantly obnoxious, regularly ridiculing players, managers, and umpires for failing to live up to the heady standards of the great Tim McCarver.

To which the proper response is: Oh, shut up. If you were such a baseball genius, you wouldn’t be stuck in a little booth dangerously close to Joe Buck, now would you?