The Surprising Value of Nothing

The other day, dear reader, our humble “website” was doing rather well for itself. Not, we dare say, in the Instapundit or Daily Kos league, but pretty well nevertheless. In fact, a quick glance at our day’s “hits” demonstrated that we easily topped our usual numbers.

And what, pray tell, had we done to deserve this charming up-tick? Had the folks at Black Hair Care magazine finally noticed our efforts? Did Ed Begley Jr. excoriate us for our typically withering references to his off-screen shenanigans?

Hardly. On the contrary, the secret to our success is surprisingly—and depressingly—simple. On this particular day, thanks to massive problems with our Internet service, we “posted” far later in the day.

Yep: You read that right. Thanks to our complete lack of timeliness, we wound up with markedly more “hits” than usual. Not thousands more, but a hefty sum more, to be sure.

How do you think this makes us feel? Not too darned good, if you’ll believe us. Clearly, if aim to become big-time “webloggers,” all we must do is…never “weblog” again. Fans will come a-screamin’ for more. Or is that less?

According to the delightful and charming Sadie—who runs a far more respectable Web effort than we muster—most “webloggers” like to write far more than they enjoy reading. Further, we might add, those who don’t write “weblogs” are too busy sniffing through a bout of Internet pornography to trouble themselves with some light reading.

So it stands to reason that folks would most esteem a “weblog” that offers absolutely no commentary on anything. If you want to get all artsy-craftsy, you could say that such a “weblog” would be the Internet equivalent of Robert Rauschenberg’s white paintings, or John Cage’s 4’33”.

Yeah: That was rather highfalutin of us. Perhaps you can see now why our humble “weblog” appears far more popular on the days we don’t “post” a thing.

Still, those few of you who actually read this garbage needn’t fear. In our undying quest to remain as popular as leprosy and the LA Clippers, we’ll continue to write our uninspired e-yuks each weekday.

It may not be as good as nothing, but we’re willing to do our part.