Please Tase Him, Bro

As usual in these hectic times, dear reader, there are oodles of interesting stories in the news. OJ is once again in hot water; Britney Spears finds herself in a gripping custody battle; and, for those of you who still haven’t gotten their fill, something called the Iraq War still appears to be ongoing.

But one particular tale has grabbed our attention more than all the others combined. We refer, dear reader, to the recent brouhaha at the University of Florida.

A Massachusetts Senator named John Kerry addressed a crowd at this semi-storied institution of semi-higher learning, and, during the question-and-answer portion of the festivities, some far Left student would not stop hogging the microphone. Instead, said student, a fellow named Andrew Meyer, pontificated to all and sundry about the “stolen” 2004 presidential election, &c.

Since Mr. Meyer resolutely refused to hand over the microphone, a couple of campus security guards shot him with a taser gun. In the midst of these festivities, the partially subdued Mr. Meyer shouted “Don’t tase me, bro.”

The results of this action were entirely predictable: John Kerry remains tone-deaf regarding the whole situation; a bevy of irate University of Florida students gathered to protest the campus police’s “brutality”; and the media have eaten it all up like porridge. Although, as the time of this writing, it is unclear whether Mr. Meyer was really pulling a prank, it is certainly true that he has garnered more press than he could have imagined.

To many folks, the whole University of Florida brouhaha shines a spotlight on one important question: Should campus police have recourse to taser guns? As far as numerous University of Florida students are concerned, the answer to that query is a resolute No.

Ah, but we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” must quibble with this point of view. Hence today’s “post.” In our collective minds, it would be a travesty—yes, a travesty—if campus police could not taser unruly undergraduates.

In fact, we can express our opinion even more frankly. Without any risk of hyperbole, we can tell you that we positively live for police officers tasering annoying college kids. Each morning, the possibility of some cop somewhere tasering the garbage out of an undergrad is the only thing that gets out of bed.

We mean, come on: What is more irksome than the typical rowdy college student? He thinks he works really, really hard, but he really spends more time on acquaintance rape than homework. To make matters worse, he acts like a know-it-all, as if his 19 years on planet earth have bestowed him with preternatural wisdom.

No wonder we detest these brats. Geez: If you set up a “website” entirely devoted to tasering such morons, we’d happily subscribe. It’d be our honest-to-goodness favorite.

Yes: In our humble opinion, if you fail to allow police to taser the crap out of these folks, you’ll make life that much worse for all of us.