A Little OJ in the Morning, Afternoon, and Evening

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” got a card in the mail today. Its contents read as follows:

Dear Crack Young Staff,

As a representative of the United States government, I am writing to you because you are proprietors of a Web site. As such, I must inform you that you have to discuss OJ Simpson’s recent legal wrangling as soon as possible and as often as possible.

Every other media outlet is engaged in a discussion of OJ’s antics, and I cannot very well have any outliers failing to comply with our unofficial “All OJ” policy—however insignificant the source may be.

I expect that you will touch upon the OJ fiasco soon, so that my office need no longer monitor your telephone calls. All true Americans (read: Republicans) would begin discussing OJ posthaste, because that is what our founding fathers would have wanted.

Sincerely,
Dick Sheister
Assistant Director
US Department of Shifty Flacks

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: Wow—a bona fide letter from the US government! Pretty impressive, is it not? Clearly, though, the evil goons who make up the Bush junta are trying to scare us into discussing the recent OJ business.

Like any card-carrying member of Moveon.org, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” remain brutally frightened of the Bush regime. After all, Bush and his Jewish cronies have wrecked all kinds of havoc: They killed Ernesto “Che” Guevara; they neutered Lassie; and they eat fuzzy bunnies for brunch. We’re not bloody likely to anger this set.

It is with great reluctance—but undying patriotism—then, that we deign to discuss the media’s latest obsession: OJ Mania, part two. Quite frankly, we haven’t got anything grand to say about this mess, but that hasn’t stopped anyone else from pontificating, now has it?

So here’s our collective first impression: Isn’t it odd that a stand-up character such as OJ would find himself in more legal difficulties? We consider it hard to believe ourselves.

We mean, come on: This is a fellow who has dedicated his life—yes, his life—to finding the real killers of Nicole Brown Simpson and that other fellow. Does someone on such an admirable quest seem like the type of guy who’d rob a memorabilia store at gunpoint? Not to us. Not to us.