The Last Refuge of an Idiot

Ah, another day, another vapid bumper sticker slogan. Or so it seems. As if by magic, one of our senior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—manages to spy more dimwitted bumper stickers than you can shake a stick at.

Or, if you’re a real grammar stickler, more dimwitted bumper stickers than those at which you can shake a stick. (Yeah: That’s better.)

It should come as absolutely no surprise, then, to learn that a recent prowl of a nearby parking garage left “Chip” staring at yet another exemplum of the tired left-wing bumper sticker. For “Chip,” it sort of goes with the territory.

You know: Some guys date lots and lots of attractive women, and others see all manner of obtuse bumper stickers. Even Steven, eh?

And what, you may be asking yourself, did this particular bumper sticker say? Well, dear reader, we’re glad you asked. Its text in full read:

Think. It’s Patriotic.

That’s it. No bells, no whistles, no Noam Chmosky quotes. Just “Think. It’s Patriotic.”

Clearly, the owner of said bumper sticker aimed to demonstrate his superior cognitive abilities by claiming that his version of patriotism—unlike that of stupid yokels—requires thought. No flag-waving, mindless jingoist, he.

We hate to rain on this fellow’s parade, but we are pretty certain that his bumper sticker not only fails to display its owner’s intellectual prowess, but also makes no sense. We mean, come on: “Think. It’s Patriotic.”

What if you’re thinking about destroying your own country? Does the cognitive process involved in this odious activity amount to patriotism? We collectively think not.

What if you’re thinking about cheating on your taxes, to the distinct detriment of good ole’ Uncle Sam? That wouldn’t make you a lodestar of patriotism, now would it?

Clearly, it’s the character of your thoughts and not the thoughts themselves that demonstrate your patriotism. And so, as an exercise in snooty faux-intellectual superiority, this particular bumper sticker is an utter failure.

But we could almost see why the owner of this slogan thought it might prove true. After all, Katha Pollitt can’t think, and she isn’t very patriotic, either.