August 30, 2007

The Prole Stamp

One of the senior editors here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call him “Chip”—recently joined a new gymnasium. As you might well imagine, dear reader, this has compelled “Chip” to endure all manner of indignities.

First and foremost, this particular “work-out” establishment prefers a brand of future “classic rock” to irritate its patrons. Or, we suppose, to irritate “Chip.” You know the sort of stuff we mean: Green Day; Oasis; Pearl Jam. In a word, crap. But crap that suits the working-class homophobes who frequent the gym in question.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” would be remiss if we failed to mention another irksome phenomenon related to “Chip’s” new “work-out” facility. In the title of this humble “post,” we refer to it as the “prole stamp,” but we suppose we ought to explain it more clearly. We refer, dear reader, to the barbed wire tattoo.

You know the barbed wire tattoo. It seems as if every gym-frequenting proletarian male under the age of 55 must sport one. It’s in the handbook, we suppose.

In essence, the barbed wire tattoo serves as part of the American townie official uniform. Fake tan? Check. Backward baseball cap? Check. Barbed wire tattoo? Check. Old Ford Mustang? Check. Bad credit rating? Check.

Nothing screams “class” quite like a barbed wire tattoo, does it? As far as the females in said gymnasium are concerned, this appears to be the case. It’s as if the barbed wire tattoo acts as an Unofficial Townie Chick Magnet, luring in all the gals with teased hair and too much makeup within a given radius. “Oh my God. That’s, like, such a, like, wicked awesome tattoo!”

To be quite honest, dear reader, we find this all curious. In our book, the barbed wire tattoo signals underachievement.

Now, we’re fully willing to admit that this is a mere generalization: We’re certain that some barbed wire tattoo wearer is a heart surgeon, a dean at Yale, or secretary of state. (Perhaps all three—the resourceful goomba.) But we’d wager that the typical man sporting a barbed wire tattoo is highly likely to be the sort of uncouth low- to medium-income slob most women would choose to ignore.

Well, color us wrong. Girls, in their infinite wisdom, love the barbed wire tattoo. Just ask your friends Donna, Tiffany, and Heather.

Posted at August 30, 2007 12:01 AM | TrackBack