A Moment of E-Humility

Rapier wit. This, dear reader, is the reason you turn each day to enjoy the humble musings on this “weblog.” After all, a few perambulations around Al Gore’s World-Wide Web more than demonstrates that the Internet—though an ingenious system of tubes—is more than a bit lacking in the rapier wit department.

But us? Heck, we’ve got rapier wit in spades. In fact, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are so chock-a-block with rapier wit that we even have a bit to spare—which we’ll gladly sell to you for a few bucks or a handful of blonde jokes.

Ah, yes: Life is good here in the “weblogosphere.” It’s now turning to that storied time of the year: The lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer will soon be behind us and droves of you have headed back to your desks, eagerly inspecting the Internet.

Accordingly, dear reader, we here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” are experiencing our typical late summer up-tick in “hits.” Whereas we used to have a few readers, now we have a few plus a couple more. Not too shabby, eh?

As you might well imagine, this sudden burst of e-popularity has kind of gone to our collective heads. Hence the whole “rapier wit” thing, which, quite frankly, would be a bit snotty if it weren’t so inept and inapt.

Still, it’s hard to be humble. Take it from Donald Trump. Or, if you prefer, take it from Donald Trump’s hairdresser. Or even Don King’s hairdresser. When you’re hot, you’re hot.

But we would be remiss if we gave you the impression that we have made the big-time. We’re no Glenn Reynolds, Arianna Huffington, or Charles Johnson. In fact, we can’t even get celebrity “webloggers” to cover for us—thanks a lot, Alec Baldwin—unless you count this fetching fellow.

What’s more, a few moments of deep thought about Al Gore’s World-Wide Web will cure even the most obnoxious “weblogging” egotist. Just think about it: No matter how many “hits” our storied “weblog” receives, it will never come close to topping the figures for the average pornographic “website.”

In fact, our “hits” will probably go up, merely because we used the words “figures” and “pornographic” in close proximity, thus enabling rather esoteric horn-balls to Google us up in the vain hope that they’ll turn to our “weblog” and see Bette Midler naked. It’s sad, but it’s true.

We’d wager that even “websites” devoted to really obscure pornographic topics rake in more “hits” than the pathetic “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” musters. You know, like cat-on-cow action. Or Andy Dick on Ted Danson. Or a Commadore Vic-20 on Heath Ledger.

Gee, we’d pay for that.