The Days of Study Sessions, Inebriation, and Coercive Virtue

Ah, the happiest time of the year is upon us, dear reader. Soon our little kiddies will return to their four-year entertainment camps, which are better known as colleges and universities. Can’t you just smell the academic papers on transgender Chicana bouncers? (Furthermore, can’t you smell the transgender Chicana bouncers?)

Yep, the school year is about to start up afresh, and this means a return to all the inanities of academe. Dipsomania; acquaintance rape; fashionably vacuous left-wing faculty pontifications on all and sundry—these are just a few things that await your little Thomas and Jennifer in the coming semester.

But we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” particularly savor one bit of the early college experience. We refer, of course, to freshman (excuse us, freshwomyn) orientation.

If you ask us—and, technically speaking, you did not—freshperson orientation is the best example of the secular coercing of virtue that exists. Those happy leftists in charge of America’s myriad freshperson orientations tend to proselytize so wholeheartedly that they would put Pat Robertson to shame.

Now, we’re prepared to admit that not all freshpeople orientations are tantamount to Green Party powwows. Further, we’d wager that some administrators use their respective orientations to get across some important information, about, say, dipsomania and acquaintance rape.

Yet anecdotal evidence suggests that these sessions routinely degenerate into unpleasant political rallies, which the attendees did not aim to attend. After all, when you step foot on a college campus for the first time in your life, you normally don’t pine to discuss the United States’ horrid history of brutal oppression and the theories of Michel Foucault.

In addition, you likely also don’t pine to line up according to skin tone and make vulgar pronouncements about your own “privilege.” If we know college students at all, they’d probably prefer to go drinking instead.

But, hey: At least orientation allows students to recognize that those who call themselves liberal are actually quite interested in forcing their worldview on others. It won’t be the last time they learn that, of course, but it never hurts to notice it.