July 03, 2007
The Fail-Safe Left-Wing Reaction Form
As you may well know, dear reader, lots of things happen in this world of ours. Muslim riots; Muslim honor killings; Muslim terrorist acts—as we said, lots of stuff occurs, for which, we hardly need add, each of the earth’s cultures is equally responsible.
Sure, our Islamist friends may want to bomb us all back to their private Stone Age, but we produced Cher. Even Steven, we think.
What’s far more important, anyway, is one’s reaction to events. Sure, sure: Unexpected occurrences take place all the time—but how does one take in these quotidian twists and turns?
From our careful inspection of sundry left-wing magazines and “websites,” we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have deduced that our radical pals have a strikingly consistent stance on almost any happenstance. All, it seems, fits into their preconceived ideological framework. And this framework is so confining (much like Al Gore’s famed “lock-box”) that one can easily anticipate lefty responses to virtually anything.
For this reason, dear reader, we have thought of a brand new product. Yep: We’re always thinking of handy-dandy items—it’s one of the things you like best about us, if we must say so ourselves.
This time, however, we’ve come up with a real doozy: The Fail-Safe Left-Wing Reaction Form. It allows the fervent leftist the opportunity to offer his “thoughts” on any occurrence with even less contemplation than he usually musters.
Hard to imagine, you say? Well, it’s completely true. Our Fail-Safe Left-Wing Reaction Form incites less earnest reflection than an issue of The Nation. It’s even more knee-jerk than a copy of Mother Jones. Maureen Dowd makes you think far more deeply than our Fail-Safe Left-Wing Reaction Form.
To prove our point, we’ve affixed our Form below:
The Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Fail-Safe Left-Wing Reaction Form:
It is no accident that ___________ just happened. Naturally, like everything else, ________ is completely the fault of George W. Bush, the United States of America, and Israel.
We mean, come on: It’s so obvious. The CIA and the Mossad clearly had it in for _______. ________ could have been avoided, but those small-minded neocons simply had to cause trouble.
Hopefully, by impeaching President Bush, destroying Israel, and supporting the peaceable folks in Hamas, ________ will never happen again.
Now, all our angry lefty friend must do is fill in the blanks with the happenstance in question. And presto! A completely thought-free left-wing reaction!
Here’s a sample:
It is no accident that an attack on the folk singer Jewel just happened. Naturally, like everything else, an attack on the folk singer Jewel is completely the fault of George W. Bush, the United States of America, and Israel.
We mean, come on: It’s so obvious. The CIA and the Mossad clearly had it in for the folk singer Jewel. An attack on the folk singer Jewel could have been avoided, but those small-minded neocons simply had to cause trouble.
Hopefully, by impeaching President Bush, destroying Israel, and supporting the peaceable folks in Hamas, an attack on the folk singer Jewel will never happen again.
It’s perfect! Just think of how much time our invention will save! Our lefty buddies will be happy: Even less time cogitating and more moments of bliss at the local Volvo dealership.
