Blame the Kiwis

Turn to any left-leaning “website”—whether it be a fancy mainstream media outlet or a caustic “weblog”—and you’re likely to come upon some opinion piece or other blaming the United States for all sorts of evils. You name it, it’s our fault: Global warming; Hamas’ coup in Gaza; Osama bin Laden; Vladimir Putin’s truculence. Everything, it seems, is laid at the doorstep of the good ole’ US of A. Well, everything except Loverboy.

In fact, we have the sneaking suspicion that many lefty editorialists write their myriad screeds through the use of what can only be called Liberal Mad-Libs. And what, you may ask, are Liberal Mad-Libs? Well, they’re just like regular Mad-Libs, except they contain discussion of current events, and those filling them out are only allowed to use a few words: “Zionism”; “imperialism”; “Halliburton”; “Bush”; “poodle”; &c.

Quite frankly, dear reader, we find this whole “Blame America” infatuation extremely tiresome. Not, we hasten to add, because the United States is ineluctably a shining beacon of altruism.

Rather, we’re sick of the whole darned-if-you-do-darned-if-you-don’t character to this thoughtless “Blame the US” palaver. If we trade with Cuba, we’re shifty capitalists aiming at economic subjugation. If we don’t trade with Cuba, we’re shifty capitalists aiming at economic subjugation.

Anti-Americanism, in fact, has become the false panacea for what ails the world. It won’t really cure anybody, of course, but it does allow for fleeting moments of righteousness.

And we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are officially sick of it. It’s high time to treat the rest of the world as new visitors to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting: The first step is to admit that you have a problem (rather than foisting all the blame on the United States).

Naturally, in this Age of Victimology, taking responsibility for one’s actions is about as hip as a Roxette concert. (Wow: Dig that lame reference.) Accordingly, we don’t exactly have high hopes that, say, the Saudis will admit their government is run by evil kleptomaniacs who use Islamist ideology as a tool to break the backs of their people. Nor are we holding our breath for the Palestinian realization that their intransigence and death-cult fanaticism lie at the root of their problems.

Okay, world: You’re going to have to blame someone else. We get it. You’re just not strong enough to accept any responsibility.

Still, for one day—one measly day—could you stop using America as your whipping boy? And could you lay off Israel too? It’s the fricken’ size of New Hampshire, for crying out loud—is it really sane to blame all Muslim pathologies on its mere existence?

Don’t worry: Even though you won’t have recourse to castigating the Big and Little Satan for 24 hours, you’ll still be able to deflect any criticism and avoid all introspection. That’s because we ask you to blame New Zealand instead. Just for a day. Whatever they’ve done or haven’t done in the past, we’re pretty sure it’s worth a day’s worth of opprobrium.