News Flash: Angry, Violent Muslims

We know, we know: You, dear reader, are highly likely to be deeply alarmed by the title of this humble “post.” After all, Muslims are amongst the most laid-back and pacifistic people on the face of the earth. And thus the fact that various Islamists are seething of late must come as quite a shock.

If you hadn’t heard by now, the latest shock was the knighthood Britain bestowed upon Sir Salman Rushdie, author of The Satanic Verses, amongst other books. The Satanic Verses, you see, supposedly mocks the Muslim prophet and thus the same Danish-cartoons Islamic rent-a-mobs are out in force. “Death to those who call us violent!” Blah, blah, blah.

To make matters worse, as The Wall Street Journal reported, Pakistan’s religious affairs minister claimed that Rushdie’s knighthood was so abhorrent that it justified suicide bombings. Pakistan, mind you, is the country run by a devious thug who claims to be a US ally in the War on Terror. You’d think that his supposedly friendly government would care more about catching Osama bin Laden and less about killing Salman Rushdie.

But wait: Another thing just occurred to us. (Wow, that’s two things in one day—a new record.)

Thanks to addlebrained anti-Semite-cum-incompetent CIA failure Michael Scheuer, we have long since learned that Islamist terrorism is entirely the fault of two things: American foreign policy and the pesky existence of Israel. If we just remove our troops from the Middle East (thereby allowing al Qaeda a clear shot at taking control of the world’s most important oil-supplying countries) and allow the Arabs to commit a second Holocaust in Israel, all would be great with the world.

And, of course, charming humanitarian that he is, Mr. Scheuer is quite prepared to make those sacrifices.

Yet—mirabile dictu—this whole Salman Rushdie brouhaha seems to work against Mr. Scheuer’s carefully reasoned argument. We mean, come on: Al Qaeda isn’t angry about Salman Rushdie! The terrorists hate American foreign policy and Israel—that’s it!

So what gives?

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” earnestly wonder how many crazy Islamist examples of violent overreaction must occur for our lefty pals to face up to reality. As much as our fringe lefties—and paleo-righties, such as Michael Scheuer—want to blame America and Israel for everything, they’re just plain wrong.

The Islamists want to destroy Western civilization, root and branch. They’re mad about Israel; America; the fall of the Ottoman Empire; the existence of America; the existence of any non-Muslims; Jews; Christians; their societies’ manifest failures; Western civilization; the Crusades; the successful European ceasing of Islamic imperialism; &c. You name it, it pisses them off.

Naturally, radical Muslims routinely refer to Christians and Jews with all sorts of slurs. And yet you don’t see us justifying suicide bombing in response.

As frustrating as all this is, we must admit that it’s a bit humorous too: It’s always fun to see the new way in which a left-wing nutter will blame America and Israel for sins of which they are obviously not guilty. It’s sort of like mental Twister, only a lot funnier.

Let the next round begin.