Breaking Our Oath

This humble “weblog”—humble as it is—prides itself on offering commentary on more remote subjects. Whilst everyone on Al Gore’s World-Wide Web is busy blathering on about, say, Alex Rodriguez’s new medically enhanced girlfriend, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” spread the word about Stephen Harper, the charming Prime Minister of an utterly insignificant country to our north. (Hint: It’s not Greenland.) Which do you think will prove more popular?

To be honest, dear reader, our penchant for pontificating on such out-of-the-way topics is likely a contributing factor to this humble “weblog’s” humble status. Surprising as you may find it, as it turns out more people care deeply about A-Rod’s stripper than the Canadian Prime Minister (or, as we call him, the leader of the country to the north of the leader of the free world). Who would have thunk it?

It is with the sincerest regret, then, that we announce the subject for today’s discussion: The recent jailing and media fracas surrounding heiress Paris Hilton. Yeah, we know, we know: Upon typing those words, a little bit of us died inside.

Now, before we get under way, allow us to inform you what we won’t mention. Unlike, say, Sean “Boilerplate Conservative” Hannity, we won’t blast the American populace for caring more about Paris Hilton than illegal immigration—and then lead in to a story on Paris Hilton. If we’re troubling ourselves mentioning Paris Hilton’s woes, it seems a bit churlish to reprimand people for caring about them.

And, to be downright honest, Ms. Hilton’s recent travails have been mightily entertaining. Sure, not as entertaining as Ms. Hilton chirping a rousing chorus of “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen.” But pretty entertaining nevertheless.

For one, the (Ir)Rev. Al Sharpton has decided to poke his “good hair” into the mess. Naturally, this is simply delicious: If Sharpton earnestly believes that Paris Hilton’s sentencing has deeply important ramifications for blacks in America, we think he’s even dumber than we previously supposed. And, believe, us, we formerly thought he was plenty dumb.

Further, we recently heard about Ms. Hilton’s confiding in Barbara Walters about the ways in which a few days in the clink have changed her life. Paris, like Mike Tyson, appears to have found religion. We wonder if this will end with a face tattoo and the assault of Robin Givens. (One can only hope.)

Ah, yes: Paris Hilton has found religion. Good for her. Maybe she can spread it to Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins? Those guys are getting a little bit irritating with their whole “proselytizing for atheism” shtick.

Call us a bunch of softies, but we think that people have given Ms. Hilton something of a bad rap. For crying out loud, she was forced to be a jerk on “The Simple Life,” or that flabby show would never have worked. A dutiful Paris Hilton fastidiously cleaning up cow droppings wasn’t likely to draw in viewers. (We haven’t the vaguest reason why.)

So, to Ms. Hilton, we say “You go, girl.” If this whole Christianity thing doesn’t pan out, you can always make another porn tape.