Inching Towards Edwards

Now, it’ll come as no surprise to our regular reader(s) to hear that we’re not big fans of erstwhile North Carolina Senator John Edwards. Although we esteem our fair share of Democrats, Mr. Edwards just isn’t one of them. In fact, we fondly recall Mr. Edwards’ 2004 vice-presidential debate with Dick Cheney, who handily wiped the floor with Mr. Edwards on foreign policy matters.

And, we should add, Mr. Edwards has become only more offensive since then. As a senator, Mr. Edwards voted in favor of the Iraq War. Now, of course, he can’t wait to pull the troops out and watch the horrific slaughter begin. That, we suppose, is what our friends on the Left call humanitarianism.

Given Mr. Edwards’ political record and his irksome aw-shucks demeanor, we always believed that we wouldn’t vote for him if all hell froze over. (All of it, not just the exurbs.) In fact, we thought that we’d vote for Hillary Clinton 3,000 times before plumping for Mr. Edwards. (Which, given the Clinton machine, is a real possibility.)

But recent events have compelled us to rethink our opinion. We aren’t exactly sold on an Edwards presidency yet, but we’re leaning ever so slightly in that direction.

“What,” you ask, “is the crack young staff smoking?” “How could they up and recommend people vote for that Ken doll in an expensive suit?”

Well, dear reader, the answer is quite simple: We think Mr. Edwards would make the most deliciously humorous president of the United States. Or, at least, the most humorous amongst the reasonable contenders: The unhinged Ron Paul would sure be a gas, but his support seems limited to 18-year-old Fountainhead enthusiasts.

Among the top- and second-tier candidates, however, Mr. Edwards is the best shot at laughs we have. We mean, come on: An anti-poverty crusader who spends hundreds of dollars on each haircut? An anti-poverty crusader who makes millions working in hedge funds? An anti-poverty crusader who charges ridiculous amounts to speak on campuses nationwide… about poverty?

As they used to say in those old beer commercials, it just doesn’t get any better than this. This is the stuff of Al Gore’s wastefully heated pool. This is the stuff of Jim Bakker’s mistress. This is pure, undiluted hypocrisy.

And we love it.

So, if Mr. Edwards can promise us that he’ll blithely slurp down caviar whilst nattering on about “the two Americas,” we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” promise to plump for him.

Heck, his election would also treat us to four years of Andrew Sullivan’s schoolboy crush on Mr. Edwards and his expensive flowing locks. Do you really want to miss out on that?