May 24, 2007

Keeping Up With the Times

As even casual readers of this humble “weblog” will recognize, “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” has a different format from that found at most other “weblogging” outfits. Whilst our fellow e-scribes are content to compose one-word “posts” (which usually read “Heh”), we favor a more garrulous, long-winded, wordy, talkative, and prolix approach.

That is to say, dear reader, we write one essay each day and “post” it for our adoring fan(s). As such, we don’t exactly take great advantage of the immediacy of Al Gore’s World-Wide Web. Other “weblogs” are offering up-to-date information on all and sundry; we’re offering one “post” on such fashionable topics as the reasons why the long-forgotten remake of “What’s Happening” wasn’t as solid as the original series.

Accordingly, we often fail to offer commentary on many crucial topics of the day. Illegal immigration; the healthcare crisis; Britney Spears’ latest shenanigans—these are just a few important topics on which we’ve failed to opine. Well, except for Britney Spears’ latest shenanigans, of course; we couldn’t pass that up, now could we?

In today’s humble “post,” then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have taken it upon ourselves to remedy this e-situation. Or, at least, to ameliorate it somewhat.

For, in this humble installment of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” we’re going to offer a series of quick hits on topical issues, so you get some sense of where we stand on the deeply important matters of the day that we routinely ignore in order to write about posterior penmanship. Without further ado, then, here goes:

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Quick Hits

Jimmy Carter: You may have heard that ex-President Carter recently ripped into the Bush administration. This would have been newsworthy if he hadn’t done this exact thing approximately 456,212 times in the past year. In response, we need only note that Jimmy Carter wasn’t actually himself a wonderful president. Take that zinger, Jimmy.

2008 Presidential Candidates: We’re not ready to say who gets the crack young staff’s kiss of death (i.e., our official endorsement). But we have thus far ruled out Dennis Kucinich, that completely unhinged fellow from Alaska (Gravel?), and Gary Coleman.

Paul Wolfowitz: Having entirely followed World Bank procedures regarding his girlfriend’s employment, and having received earlier praise for his handling of the matter, Paul Wolfowitz was summarily compelled to resign from his post as president of this decrepit institution. Uh, does it get any more unfair than this? We savor the thoughts of die-hard Bill Clinton supporters on this issue—hypocrisy is seldom more undiluted than this (impeachment, anyone?).

Tony Blair: He vows to leave office, to the jeers of both the British Left and Right. Frankly, we far prefer him either to Gordon Brown or David “Tory Wet” Cameron. And Sir Menzies Campbell? Oh, puh-lease.

Al Sharpton: Still a race-baiting buffoon. (Wow: Some things never change.)

Posted at May 24, 2007 12:01 AM | TrackBack