April 05, 2004
Week of Loathing (Day the
Week of Loathing (Day the Second): Posterior Penmanship
We, the crack staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” regularly make a collective trek to the local gymnasium to get some exercise (or, as common parlance has it, “to work out”). Although this keeps our crack young staff in tip-top shape, it subjects it to various indignities. First, naturally, we must endure the “music” played in the weight room: A species of noxious, repetitive garbage so repellent that, if played for a monkey, the primate would surely start hurling feces.But this is only one of sundry vexations that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” must endure. Surely a key irritant is a rebarbative trend in women’s exercise-wear. As you, dear reader, may have noticed, many women—or girls, as they prefer to be called—take great pride in donning shorts and sweatpants with writing emblazoned on their posteriors.
Oftentimes, it seems, the writing in question is the name of the college these ladies attend: Austin Peay, Beaver College, the Eugene Lang New School for Social Research (for our more steatopygic friends), &c. In their clouded little minds, these ladies must be thinking: Forsooth, there is no better way to advertise for my college than fashion a billboard out of my rump! Or some sentiment of that nature.
To which we, the crack staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Au contraire, ladies; this species of hindquarters advertising is neither clever nor attractive. And it’s about as classy as a Cheech and Chong movie.
There is only one exception to this rule: One of our young staff members received his Master’s Degree in Animal Husbandry at the State University of New York at Buffalo. At said institution of higher learning, girls were wont to wear shorts with the word “Buffalo” displayed on the bum. This, as you might imagine, dear reader, was unintentionally hilarious.
What, you ask, can we, the many readers of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” do about this irritating eyesore? We, the crack staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” suggest some covert sabotage: While a gal wearing shorts that read “U Mass” on her fanny is busy on the tread mill, why not surreptitiously remove the “M” from her pants? We think that this would make quite a statement. After all, there’s nothing like truth in advertising.
