April 20, 2007

Announcing the Fourth Annual “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition

Do you, dear reader, pine to create miserable poetry in the manner of a self-important, illiterate college student? Do you believe that you have some really wretched doggerel in you?

If you answered “yes” to the above queries, have we got a contest for you: The Fourth Annual “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition! Always one of the highlights of our humble “weblog’s” e-year, the Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition is sufficiently popular to draw in entries worldwide. (For the winners of previous contests, see here, here, and here.)

Of course our humble competition is popular. If you ask us, nothing—and we mean nothing—competes with execrable college-student verse in its ability to delight. Vapid clichés; tin-eared rhythms; noxious political bromides—wretched college poetry has it all.

Still, you may not, dear reader, get a good sense of the pathetic pseudo-poetic drivel that we hope to receive from our official contest entrants. As such, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have composed our own version of a lame college-student verse. We have delicately titled it “All the World Is Rape,” and it goes a little something like this:

All the World Is Rape by the Crack Young Staff

Afghanistan, Iraq, Iraq, Afghanistan
All the world is rape.

Lacrosse, Limbaugh, Limbaugh, lacrosse
All the world is rape.

There are no spaces, no places, no safe spaces
For the faces of Womyn.

There is no fairness, no careness, no real fairness
For the objects of oppression.

Sure, you can work your job for the Hitler business mob
You can watch children starve thanks to globalization’s hardships
But you can’t deny that
All the world is rape.

Economics, biology, biology, economics
All the world is rape.

Pretty special, was it not? Well, okay, it wasn’t that fantastic. But we’re merely attempting to give you a taste of what we’re hoping to receive from our inspired contest entrants.

Just to make things clear, we’re asking for disastrously terrible verse in the hectoring, juvenile style of the typical college goon. Misspellings are a plus, as is an irksome all-knowing tone. And grammatical errors? Those earn you double points. Any examples of good taste or style will disqualify your entry.

The winners, dear reader, will have the distinct honor of full publication in “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” with lots of lauds from the crack young staff. Your neighbors will be jealous. Men will want to be you, and women will want to be with you. Or the reverse, if you’re of the feminine persuasion.

So, you ask, what are the official contest rules? They are as follows. All entries must be submitted by 5:00pm EST on May 5, 2007. Contestants need not be college students. Contestants need not detest college students, but it will probably help. Meter, coherence, assonance, and displays of real talent are to be avoided.

All submissions will be read by our Official Contest Judge, Anonymous. In addition to being one of the most prolific poets of the ages, Anonymous has served as our arbiter of excellence since the very start of this humble competition.

So, dear reader, wait for the Inept College-Student Muse to inspire you, and send in your poem by clicking the “Contact Us” “link” at the top right-hand corner of your computer screen.

With a little luck, you may be the next William Carlos Williams. Or, failing that, a pathetic college sophomore who incorrectly believes that he knows everything about foreign policy and can best express his deep learning in verse.

Posted at April 20, 2007 12:01 AM | TrackBack