The Fourth Annual Week of Loathing (Day the First): Barack Obama

We’re sure you’ll agree with us that some times during the year are simply magical. The cozy night before Christmas; the delight of a birthday morning; the unmitigated joy of Arbor Day—these are just a few of the year’s heartwarming charms.

And we’re mighty certain that you’ll back us up when we say that one of those magical times is now upon us. You see, dear reader, today marks the start of our Fourth Annual Week of Loathing—a custom nearly as old as this superannuated, tired, dilapidated “weblog.”

Yep: Sundry fans of Al Gore’s World-Wide Web mark our Week of Loathing as a high point in their calendars. In that regard, it’s just like Internet porn. Only largely safe for the kids. (Emphasis on “largely.”)

And no wonder they so esteem our Week of Loathing so much. It’s a veritable festival of contumely. It’s half a fortnight of e-savagery. It’s “Rocky 6”—only in English.

Right about now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are busy setting up all sorts of Fourth Annual Week of Loathing accoutrements: Week of Loathing balloons; Week of Loathing billboards; the Week of Loathing blimp; Rosie O’Donnell; &c.

Now, this may sound to the uninitiated like an awful lot of preparation for a silly little Week of Loathing, but, if you think so, you simply don’t understand the storied history of the Week of Loathing. (Perhaps you’ll want to check here, here, and here for our resplendent announcements of previous WOLs, as we call them.)

Okay, okay, okay, you say: Enough with the fanfare. Bring on the orgy of negativity.

Your wish is our command. In today’s installment of the Week of Loathing, we take aim at a fellow who has only recently begun to irk us. And, to be honest, we’re not entirely sure it’s all his fault.

We speak, dear reader, of Barack Obama, the white yuppie’s most comforting black man. In essence, he’s the Bryant Gumbel of American politics. In case you live under a rock, allow us to inform you that Mr. Obama—a one-term Senator from Illinois—is running for the presidency of the United States.

What, you may reasonably wonder, so enrages us about Barack Obama? Are we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” a passel of racists who dislike seeing a black man with a Muslim middle name succeed?

No, sir. We’ll admit that Barack Obama is a charismatic fellow. And we’ll bet that he’s bright, too. Further, if you wonder if Senator Obama is “clean,” you can direct that query to the ever-articulate Joe Biden.

What really gets our dander up, however, is the enraging media-created hype surrounding Senator Obama. After all, the fellow’s merely spent a few years in the US Senate. As far as we can tell, he knows next to nothing about foreign policy.

And yet the 24-hour news networks can’t stop chattering about him. Never mind veterans such as Chris Dodd. Bring on the neophyte.

But, on its own, the hype is only so bothersome. We must admit that a certain amount of silliness accompanied the under-qualified George W. Bush during his first run for national office.

No, what really troubles us about Barack Obama is his incessant platitudes. This is a guy who speaks in sentences peppered with phrases such as “the audacity of hope.” You can listen to him talk for an hour or so and learn absolutely nothing.

We know, Barack: Cynicism is bad. Coming together is good. Partisanship is terrible. We need to focus on what’s good.

Geez, fellah: You’re not our life coach. You’re running for President, for crying out loud. Why not just admit that you’re an unreconstructed paleo-liberal and the country will turn around and not elect you?

Huh: It seems as if we answered our own question.