February 08, 2007

Premier League

Greetings, loyal readers of The Hatemonger's Quarterly. It is your Maximum Leader here for the second day of his five day stint as guest "weblogger." As he has said many times before, if this isn't the greatest gig in all of Albert Goreís interwebs, well he isn't sure what is. After all, this humble weblog has been blessed with that most highly prized of all recognition, the famed "Instalanche." HMQ has also been nominated a few times prestigious "weblog" awards. (Remember, Martin Scorsese and Richard Burton - among others - were always nominated but never won an Oscar...)

But your Maximum Leader digresses...

Your Maximum Leader is something of a sports "fan." Yes, he knows it might be hard to believe. But he does enjoy observing sports as much as the next guy. He is a big baseball fan. He is also quite taken with football and hockey. He likes watching pro basketball live, but can't claim to follow it very much.

Like all red-blooded Americans born and bred in this great republic, he doesn't care a wit about soccer. He's tried to watch it. But it is a bore. Yes, you read that correctly. A man who can (and sometimes does) spend hours of his life watching baseball (at the park and on the television) can't watch a soccer game. Not even one of those World Cup games that everyone says is so interesting. He's watched Cricket tests (on ESPN2 late at night) with more enthusiasm than soccer.

Frankly, your Maximum Leader would rather subject himself to a public reading of Maya Angelou poetry put on by second-rate feminist studies graduate students than watch a full-blown soccer match.

So, imagine your Maximum Leader's surprise when he read on the news wires that many "England Premier League" soccer teams are now owned by Americans. Well, three teams are owned by Americans at any rate. That seems like quite a large number.

Malcolm Glazer owns Manchester United. George Gillette and Tom Hicks own the Liverpool Reds. And Randy Lerner owns the Aston Villa. A person more knowledgeable about these things might be able to tell you more about why this might be a good investment, or how these teams will make money for their owners. Perhaps Misters Glazer, Gillette, Hicks, and Lerner are truly global sports fans and like soccer. Indeed, owning a Premier League franchise might just be another feather in the cap of a world-class sports team owner.

But your Maximum Leader sees something much more insidious in this move.

These American owners are actually involved in a great transatlantic conspiracy. A conspiracy of the highest order. What, you may ask, is the goal of this nefarious plan? It should be obvious to you. They hope to study soccer hooligans in Europe and find a way to transport them to our shores.

Yes, gentle reader. This elite gang of team-owning robber barons has plotted to undermine the foundations of our nation through the introduction of soccer hooligans to our shores. The plan calls for the hooligans to first disrupt basketball games, and then move on to football and baseball. Eventually, the hooligans will move from professional games to semi-professional games and then onto collegiate sports then high school, then little league. In the course of a few short years no public sporting event will be safe. A Democratically controlled Congress will investigate and eventually set about enacting a massive legislative package that will diminish our personal liberties and even outlaw apple pie.

Then, just when you thought the worst had been done, Misters Glazer, Gillette, Hicks and Lerner will start broadcasting soccer games in the US. In prime time. On the Networks and on Cable.

And there will be no escape.

Carry on.

Posted at February 8, 2007 12:01 AM | TrackBack